I am sleepy. I say that almost every night around this time. I honestly can't remember when I last enjoyed a terrific sleep-through-the-entire-night slumber. It's been months, at least. I always seem to have so much on my mind that it either seeps out in dream interpretations or literally keeps me awake so that I toss and turn constantly. I battle concerns all night long...and I feel for my poor crumpled up pillows.

My current concern: Tomorrow is Laurie's last day ever at Goodspeed. She has played an integral role in my development there, both personally and professionally. From Opening Night parties to martinis at Lupo to venting walks and Editorial meetings for Curtain, she has been there...as a sounding board, a co-worker, an advice-giver and good friend. She has been the "go-to girl" for everyone in the organization (she has jokingly referred to herself as the Jane of All Trades) and I know that she will sincerely be missed.

As I've mentioned several times in previous blogs, I don't necessarily like change...even when I know it's for the better. I prefer my nostalgic, carefree comfort bubble. (Perhaps that's why one of my friends chose the adjective "idealistic" to describe me in my Johari Window. http://kevan.org/johari?name=TaraAutrey). I usually tend to think of myself as realistic verging on cynical due to my sarcasm and dry sense of humor, but I suppose that she's right in a way. I hold onto the past, I view the memories in my head with such a high regard that occasionally I find it difficult to truly appreciate the present for what it's worth. It's an awful trait, really, to focus on friendships that dwindled away years ago...to reminisce about the joys of being 12 when in actuality being 12 proved to be a serious hardship sometimes.

I know that change is necessary in life. It helps us grow as people, it challenges us to reach for new heights merely because the person who used to assist us is no longer available. I suppose it's a sign of maturity to just accept and get used to the various types of changes that occur. Over the course of the past year, I have experienced a lot of positive change: our marriage, a new last name, a house. These instances are obviously shaping my life for the better, so I don't question them. But it's the more challenging changes--when the people you love leave your organization...or move...or stop calling you...or even stop loving you altogether...that you have to face head-on. We're constantly defining ourselves by examining the pieces of the puzzle that make up our persona. Every change and every reaction serves to further enhance our experience. I don't know if I necessarily believe in the "blessing in disguise" cliche, but I do know that life moves on whether you are ready or not. I hope that I'm ready, but my mood may be off for a few days. A few weeks, even.

And I am still sleepy.