Last week I went over my friend Tani's house for kind of a birthday/holiday celebration (her birthday is at the end of November, and mine's December 13th). After one martini each and an hour of reminiscing and interesting conversation, she broke out her tarot cards. Now I'm usually fairly wary of those types of things--psychics, tarot cards, palm readings, etc.--because I don't want to know what's going to happen in my life, for better or for worse. What's the point of living if not to find out what's around every corner? But that night, I thought, why not? I'll just take everything with a grain of salt since I believe I'm essentially responsible for creating my own future. I spent a considerable amount of time shuffling the cards in the hopes that my mind would know when to quit on a positive note. Well, unfortunately I must have no telepathic ability whatsoever because my cards showed some strange emotions and figures in my life: a jealous male figure, an overpowering female figure, loneliness, bitterness and a miscarriage. Hurray! Talk about a lively drinking game. Of course I am not going to allow the reading to weigh heavily on my mind, but one aspect of it did stick with me. Tani told me that the "loneliness" card was listed as part of my present state of mind, and she looked confused about it because she knows that I am very happy in my marriage, I have a group of great friends and a wonderful family. Overall, I am pretty well-balanced. But I stopped her and said, "You know, that's weird. The other day I was home with Jeff and yet I realized I was feeling lonely." She seemed surprised.

I know that the loneliness has nothing to do with Jeff...but I was thinking that maybe I do miss a few of my friends (around the holidays especially). Some of these friends are people I haven't talked to in years, and others are close friends that I feel are drifting away. Both types of relationships make me feel slightly empty inside because I guess I believe I failed the friendship and the person in some way. When I think back to a few of my best friendships, I can't truly understand what went so fatally wrong and why. I know that I dwell on the negative in this case too much, and people are always telling me "Some frienships are bound to slip away after a while" or "That's only natural"...but to me, it's never natural. I guess that I just feel if I maintain the effort and really care about someone, that the friendship should never fail. Once I'm attached to someone, I find it incomprehensible to let them go without a fight...but it has happened to me on more than one occasion.

During Christmas, I want to see everyone I care about. As you know from my last entry, I love presents and thoughtful (material) things, but mostly I love talking, gatherings, drinking wine, laughing. I am currently sitting in my living room and I am having this vivid daydream where ALL of my friends and family are sitting in this huge circle on my hardwood floor (I know my living room would never comfortably hold all those people but that's why this is a dream), and we are all talking, laughing, and sitting so closely to one another that one person's red fleece blends into another person's blue wool sweater in a cohesive yet fuzzy purple blur. I want to hug people, to tell them I love them, to make them understand how much they mean to me. As I'm writing this, tears are literally springing to my eyes and I don't know why.

I am making a firm resolve to take care of the friendships that mean so much to me during the New Year. I seem to recall that one of my New Year's resolutions last year was to "not care so much" because I was constantly getting hurt...but you end up feeling lonely either way. And I'd rather be lonely with friends than without.

When we were in church on Sunday, the priest's homily focused on Advent and the holiday season, and how we shouldn't become too wrapped up in consumerism (yes, the present pun was intended). He was advising us to connect with the spiritual nature of Christmas as opposed to the material, but honestly, I'm just not the most spiritual person. Well, maybe that's not accurate. I'm not a very religious person. I may be Catholic but there are many aspects of the religion that I disagree with; many instances where the church sees things as either "black" or "white" when in reality there are various shades of gray. I'm not entirely sure what I believe in (I know that some may find it interesting that I believe in ghosts without ever having encountered one, but when the issue of God is raised, I'm more scientific and seeing is believing). However, regardless of the fact that I'm not incredibly religious, I find ways throughout the year to help people, to enhance their lives. I don't need Christmas to remind me to be a good person or to give of myself freely because for the most part, I live my life with the intention of making other people happy in the process.

That said, I sincerely love Christmas and all that it has to offer. So what if some of the things are tangible (ornaments, white lights, crisp outdoor air, "O Holy Night," cherry-flavored candy canes--I'm obviously not a purist--"Claymation Christmas" on TV). Maybe it's the comfort of childhood that can be found within those holiday traditions, or the knowledge that no matter how far away your family is, you know that you will be close to them during the holidays. There's an immeasurable number of factors that make the entire month of December one of my absolute favorites of the year. I don't think it's possible for me to stay grumpy...all someone has to do is put on an iTunes holiday mix and in five minutes I'm singing along at the top of my lungs, acting out Ella Fitzgerald's every movement "Off with my overcoat, off with my glooooves...I need no overcoat, I'm burning, burning looove!" If only every day could capture the anticipation of Christmas.

When I started this entry, my first thought (a selfish and greedy one, I might add) was to write about how I would love to go on a shopping spree this season. If you were born in the late 70s like I was, then you remember those Toys R Us commercials where the kids won a shopping spree and they had a certain amount of time to race through the store, and I don't think they even paid attention to what flew into their cart. It was a lot of random, rushed grabbing from shelves and tearing down the aisles. I remember Ryan and I would turn to each other, our eyes as big as saucers while watching the spree go down. Now, as a respectable adult (ahem), just for 10 minutes, I would love to have the opportunity to go on that kind of crazy and out-of-control shopping spree at...Ann Taylor Loft. Or Pottery Barn. Or J. Crew. You get the picture. Velvet blazers, cute heels, beautiful picture frames, cocktail dresses, a side table...everything I could ever want for the holiday season. Am I a Grinch? Probably. But just remember...I always give to the Salvation Army...I am here for my friends...I help when I'm needed. So to quote "A Charlie Brown Christmas," "All I want is what's coming to me. All I want...is my fair share." ;)

Happy early Christmas to you all...and to all a good night!

I've been thinking about starting a book club. I'm constantly looking for something productive to do with my time, and as you know, lately I've been facing some difficulty in the book-choosing department. I'd love to have someone else recommend a novel for me, and I'd even be willing to try new genres and authors.

Many of my friends are already avid readers, but we never take the time to truly discuss what we're reading or how it relates to real life situations. I think it would be interesting to get to know my friends on a more intellectual level, and similar to Scrabulous (an online version of Scrabble for you non-facebookers), it would keep my brain warm and active in a way that a gingerbread latte could not. Besides that, people tend to become reclusive during the winter months, and this would be the perfect way to ensure at least a few jovial gatherings, full of revelry, witticisms and the like. All right so I exaggerated that sentence because it's Sunday afternoon, I'm bored, it's quiet, and large words have the tendency to entertain me. But seriously.

About a year or so ago, I read Elizabeth Noble's first novel entitled The Reading Group which takes place in Ireland. She has a Maeve Binchy-esque way of delving into the characters' lives, intertwining them and making the reader care about each and every story. It all revolved around a group of local Irish women who created their own book club, and the plot was enhanced by showing their reactions to certain pieces in the novels they were reading and how it corresponded to their families, friends, and everyday lives. I'll have to find this book downstairs, because I remember in the back there were guidelines on how to create your own reading group. I've been intrigued by the idea for a while now, but I think I'm ready for the next step. Oooh we could even occasionally meet at Borders to make our group seem even more official! Okay, I'm excited now.

I think that I've become a fairly articulate and eloquent speaker by default. I say "by default" because it's certainly not through any natural ability of my own. When I was in kindergarten, I was so shy that I refused to play with my fellow five-year-olds. I sat alone in the corner stacking colorful plastic blocks that interlocked (I believe they were used for counting and one-to-one correspondence) while the other kids played house or dress-up together. In 2nd grade, my peers thought that I was a snob because I wouldn't speak to them. I had three close friends throughout elementary school (Sara, Jessica D. and Jessie B.) and they were all that I felt I needed. We played "Witch" on the hopscotch boards during recess and took turns hosting sleepovers. I often let them speak for me even if I didn't agree with them or their actions. It was easier. It was non-confrontational...and I regret it now.

It's funny, but sometimes when people ask me to describe myself, the word "shy" still rolls around on my tongue before I snap the thought away and swallow it whole. I'm not shy. I'm no longer even close to shy. But it was always a defining characteristic of mine; one that teachers noted on my report cards and friends' parents teased me about. ("Remember the first time you came over our--Sara's--house? You just sat there on the couch and kept asking "When is my mom coming to get me?") I've been thinking about this common thread for a few days now...for various reasons. The first being that on Facebook, my friends recently "compared" me to others, and they voted me as "more outgoing". I kind of laughed because I just don't see myself in that light. However, upon further study, I imagined myself rambling on to my girl friends over dinner, becoming increasingly loud and obnoxious over a martini at Lupo, exploding into a giggling fit with Megan at work, or politely introducing myself to major donors during intermission, and I realize that I have changed. I have made it a point to communicate, to really know people. I suppose my interest in human drama and everyday life has forced me into a level of interaction that I never experienced previously.

This past Saturday, I made Lifetime at Weight Watchers which basically means that I've maintained my goal weight for 6+ weeks and I no longer have to pay to attend meetings. There were probably about 40 people at the meeting, and our leader Katie asked me why the program worked for me. I used to feel my face turn bright red when I felt pressured to respond, but when I opened my mouth, all the right words were there. I was able to pinpoint my each and every success and every reason behind it; I gave credit to the support I had received from Jeff, his mom, and the others in the room; and I was so proud of the fact that I was able to string together complete and interesting sentences *like that* (snaps her fingers).

I guess I shouldn't be altogether surprised. I know that I am fairly smart and capable of expressing myself...but I usually hide behind my pen and paper, or behind my computer screen. I haven't always been so comfortable and at ease with my ability to express myself. It's a skill that I've developed over the past few years, inadvertantly. And I'm proud of it.

It's official. I am addicted to the internet. I have been home for two hours and 45 minutes, and with the exception of making/eating my dinner and asking Jeff how his day was, I have spent all of my free time online. To be fair, I also attempted to watch TV, but A&E's Cold Case Files was a repeat and I've already seen the Travel Channel's "Do's and Don'ts" for vacationing in Hawaii. I read my book for about 10 minutes during dinner but the truth is, I could care less what happens to the characters at the end. It's called Starting Out in the Evening and I highly don't recommend it.

I need to find a hobby. I enjoy writing but I feel that I should dedicate serious time, energy and effort to it. My brain is definitely not at its best after a long day at work; the creative synapses in my head are disjointed at night and I can't clearly communicate the (brilliant!) thoughts that occur to me during the day. I like singing as well but that's a hobby I save for car rides, wine nights with friends, and the occasional Josh Groban sing-along in the office. Baking is great and has the beneficial side effect of making the house smell delicious, but I have a feeling that eating 48 of my own peanut butter cookies would most likely be counter-productive to the progress that I've made up to this point.

Turning my computer on is almost an instinctive reaction for me first thing in the morning, and in the evening when I come home. Being online doesn't require much brainpower. I play "Scrabulous" with my friends on facebook (that might stretch the brain cells just a little bit, and it allows me to form words with random letters--FUN!), then I check the local news on WFSB. National news on MSNBC. Hotmail. Stuffonmycat. Myspace. Weather. Read Heather's always informative and interesting blog. Return to MSNBC for breaking news. Check facebook again because, after all, someone may have left me a comment during the past five minutes. Talk to my brother or Rachel on instant messenger. Why not check my horoscope on Yahoo to waste some more time. Back to Hotmail. Etc. etc. etc. Am I alone in this? Why can't I just shut my computer down and walk away?

Because I don't know what else to do if I am not attached to my laptop. I reviewed my options: I could...clean. *shudder*. I could...read the dumb book that I don't like. I could...reorganize my dresser drawers. Watch a movie. Find music on iTunes. (Wait!! This is the 4th time I've read this over for editing purposes and I only just realized that finding music on iTunes requires...you guessed it...being online). Basically that's all I could come up with, besides blogging (which was obviously my final decision). It's too cold and dark outside to take a walk. I don't own any exercise equipment or I might actually get off my lazy butt and MOVE. But, alas. Sigh.

As much as I love Connecticut and New England, there are times when I wish darkness and winter didn't set in as early or for as long as they do. It's only the beginning of November and I'm already starting to feel claustrophobic like I'm stuck in the snowy season and I can't get out. Maybe I should focus on the positive aspects. Holidays. Friends. Wine. (that's the 2nd wine mention, isn't it? You can see where my priorities lie. ;) Snowy days spent reading under blankets. Corduroy pants and cozy sweaters. Snowball fights. Sledding. Hot chocolate with fake marshmallows. Trivial Pursuit.

Okay, I feel a little better now. And a bit more productive. Perhaps I should make a list of the things I hope to accomplish this winter. The goals I hope to achieve. That's one proactive way to spend the rest of my evening...

This will be different...

This afternoon Jeff and I went for a walk through the salt marsh at Rocky Neck. We watched hundreds of minnows glide downstream, saw four large purple jellyfish bobbing in the water, observed two ducks mating (that was interesting) and took turns throwing clam shells back into the ocean. We shuffled/ran through crunchy dead leaves like little kids and sat on a huge outcrop of rocks in the sun overlooking the Four Mile River. We were relatively quiet the entire time, just enjoying each other's company and the relaxing peace. So of course that meant my mind was reeling with past experiences (I don't think there's ever a time when my mind is actually blank). I passed a pine tree with those tiny pale blue seeds (I'm not entirely sure if they are actually seeds) and that reminded me of my next door neighbor's house growing up. I spent hours playing with April and Shelly in their backyard among similar trees...and that memory segued into the day I sprained my ankle back in third grade. Shelly and I had been taking turns jumping from this enormous dirt pile in the lot next door (a short walk through the woods) when all of a sudden, I landed on a rock, twisted my ankle and fell. What a surprise. I thought about my old swingset (see 2005 blog entry swingset) and how Ryan and I poured water in the dirt ovals beneath the swings, shoved popsicle sticks into the mud and pretended they were people swimming in the ocean.

Our old house had a wrap-around sidewalk from the front door to the side door. At the top of the sidewalk, where we kept Cupcake's food dish, there was a little divet in the asphalt with grooves in it. Ryan and I also poured water into that divet and let it run down and around the corner, taking out many ants' lives in the process. (Cupcake lived a long and healthy life, and on a side note, she died last month after 21 years. I had her since I was in third grade. In fact, she may have even been witness to my first broken ankle!) I relayed some of these memories to Jeff as we sat in the sun, but many of them silently played in my head as they usually do.

I thought about how Jeff reads National Geographic and how he is always so aware of current issues. He's up on everything that's occurring in the Middle East. He tries to explain the concept of "growing fuel" to me, and I listen patiently for a few minutes but then I lose interest. I hate to believe I'm selfish and that I only care about the issues/memories/experiences that personally affect me, but I suppose I am. I guess I'm just comfortable discussing or writing about the things that I can completely understand, whereas Jeff is willing to let new things in all the time. I am nostalgic and he is adventurous. I suppose it's the same way with people. I love spending time with my closest friends; he would be perfectly happy sitting with a table full of people he didn't know--and he would make the most of it even if he knew he'd never see them again. The two of us are different in so many ways but we balance each other out in a way that complements us.

Thinking back on these memories, I realized that on the way down to North Carolina, I had started a list entitled "100 Favorite Childhood Memories in no particular order...for now" and I managed to jot about 30 down before we had to get out of the car. Here they are!

1. Saturday afternoons with Dad and Ryan when Mom worked 3-11. A particular memory that stands out is our long walk at Hop Brook in Middlebury; our discussion of mica and archaeology.

2. Playing "space" with glow-in-the-dark Construx with Ryan in his room.

3. "I have an extra hand," a hotel employee informed us as he tried helping us with our luggage during a thunderstorm and power outage when we arrived at Yellowstone National Park in 1995...this statement was followed by Dad's "I'm sorry to hear that" and fits of giggles for hours (and years) later.

4. Friendly's dinners with Mom--I would always order the Chicken Lickin' Platter.

5. Swimming in the pool and going in my first hot tub at the Americana Holiday Motel, Cape Cod, circa 1985.

6. Camping at Rocky Neck, especially the group get-togethers at night with the Ruedes, Reks, etc. We would sing "Hi, my name is Joe...I work in a button factory..." around the campfire.

7. Playing in the "burger jail" outside McDonald's on Lakewood Road in Waterbury.

8. Any and every trip to the bookstore (Waldenbooks) at the Naugatuck Valley Mall.

9. Checking out the La Brea Tar Pits in Los Angeles, CA. http://www.tarpits.org/

10. Playing on our swingset, and later--in middle school--swinging on the swings while listening to Color Me Badd and Boyz II Men on my Walkman.

11. Going to Chuck E Cheese with Ry and Dad, especially jumping in the ball pit.

12. Shopping at G. Wizz with Mom and looking at the cool pens and stationery (some things never change!)

13. Snow days at Amy and Chris's house and tubing down the double hill in their back yard.

14. All the summers at Quassy Beach Club--Mom's pink lemonade, Fritos, the occasional stop at Dairy Mart for Hershey's chocolate milk.

15. Going on my first backwards/upside-down rollercoaster with Dad in Wildwood, NJ, 1989.

16. Shopping with Mom and Grandma at the Meriden Square.

17. Panning for gold at Sutter's Mill in California, 1992.

18. Hiking at Sleeping Giant with my My Child, Gretel, and Ryan's stuffed lamb named Babas.

19. Watching "The Dark Crystal" while eating Cape Cod chips in a brown wooden bowl and drinking Pepsi.

20. Playing Nintendo in Scott's room at the Ruedes' house in Reading, MA, 1989.

21. Tea parties with my stuffed mouse, Mousie, and my Holly Hobby tea set.

22. Playing Super Cycle on our Commodore 64 in 1987.

23. Checking out Aunt Marty's new house in Waterbury--Ryan and I each declared a room "ours."

24. Playing baseball (wiffleball) with the entire fam in the backyard.

25. Going to the Scoreboard restaurant with the Keeleys and playing the basketball game and pinball in the game room.

26. My Special Day with Dad to NYC because of my good report card--we went to the Doubleday bookstore, had a pretzel in the park and even saw the Hard Rock Cafe (I was psyched because it was mentioned in the "Baby-sitters Club" books!)

27. Going to the Cheshire Library with Mom and Ryan after school--I'd get lost in the Sweet Valley High section.

28. Making up the Lunchables song on the Midwest trip in 1995.

29. Christmas 1990 when Ryan and I opened our big gift together and simultaneously screamed "NINTENDO!"

30. Aunt Marty and Kevin's wedding, 1993.

I am still somewhat stunned by this accident. It occurred on Friday morning merely two exits away from ours, on a route that Jeff and I both travel constantly. It's a fairly dangerous stretch of I-95 because there are only two lanes and there's a merge on the right and an on-ramp to I-395 a few hundred feet ahead on the left. I've often felt a bit claustrophobic and defensive driving through there because the drivers behind me usually fly up at 80 m.p.h. as the people in front of me slam on their brakes to let other drivers in or to allow people to move over to the on-ramp. On more than one occasion I have braced myself for an impending collision because I have nowhere else to go when the car behind me doesn't look like it's going to stop. Just weeks ago I happened to glance in my rearview mirror and literally saw the grill of a Mack truck and nothing else. I felt trapped.

These tractor trailers and tanker trucks seriously need to slow down. I've been passed on the right, and I've seen trucks playing games with each other as it appears these two were on Friday morning. Most likely, 90% of the time their erratic behavior will only result in annoyance and a few choice hand gestures from other cars on the road. However, these speeding/passing games take a toll when all of a sudden the driver can no longer handle his own vehicle. If I had been on the road at the time of that accident, I probably would have succumbed to an anxiety attack and crashed my own car even if I wasn't directly involved. Car accidents have been a great fear of mine for as long as I can remember. I can't imagine anything worse than seeing a horrific situation and not having enough time to manuever around it. The fact that two innocent people lost their lives due to someone else's carelessness and recklessness really affects me. Now someone is without his wife...another couple is without their son. This could have been avoided. The tanker was carrying home heating oil, and no one was going to be any worse off if they received their delivery 10 minutes later.

All I could think of when I heard that three people had died was "What if it's someone I know?" Luckily I had heard the news from Jeff and his mom so I knew it wasn't them, but still. It could have been them. It could have been me. I had just traveled that route the night before to go to the Crystal Mall after work. You just never know when these random events might happen. As it is, I worry enough about something terrible happening to Jeff. When you love someone that much and don't want to imagine your life without them, it's only natural. I still worry about my parents' safety, as well as my brother's down in North Carolina. But there are only so many aspects of your environment that you can control, and the rest is left up to chance. I am a careful driver. Not slow or extremely cautious, but definitely aware of my surroundings at all times. I attribute this to my absolute fear of car accidents and to the fact that I never want to be involved in one. However, if I had been driving on that patch of 95 for whatever reason that morning, it wouldn't matter that I was careful. It wouldn't matter that I was driving the speed limit or that I wasn't tailgating anyone. The tanker truck came through the median into oncoming traffic and I'll bet the people who died literally didn't even know what hit them.

Since I don't have the control or power to stop accidents from happening, I can only hope that this story and its tragic outcome will cause truck drivers (and all other erratic drivers) to think twice about their actions. There are other people on the road. People with families and lives and goals...and you don't have the right to take all of that away from them.