Last week I went over my friend Tani's house for kind of a birthday/holiday celebration (her birthday is at the end of November, and mine's December 13th). After one martini each and an hour of reminiscing and interesting conversation, she broke out her tarot cards. Now I'm usually fairly wary of those types of things--psychics, tarot cards, palm readings, etc.--because I don't want to know what's going to happen in my life, for better or for worse. What's the point of living if not to find out what's around every corner? But that night, I thought, why not? I'll just take everything with a grain of salt since I believe I'm essentially responsible for creating my own future. I spent a considerable amount of time shuffling the cards in the hopes that my mind would know when to quit on a positive note. Well, unfortunately I must have no telepathic ability whatsoever because my cards showed some strange emotions and figures in my life: a jealous male figure, an overpowering female figure, loneliness, bitterness and a miscarriage. Hurray! Talk about a lively drinking game. Of course I am not going to allow the reading to weigh heavily on my mind, but one aspect of it did stick with me. Tani told me that the "loneliness" card was listed as part of my present state of mind, and she looked confused about it because she knows that I am very happy in my marriage, I have a group of great friends and a wonderful family. Overall, I am pretty well-balanced. But I stopped her and said, "You know, that's weird. The other day I was home with Jeff and yet I realized I was feeling lonely." She seemed surprised.

I know that the loneliness has nothing to do with Jeff...but I was thinking that maybe I do miss a few of my friends (around the holidays especially). Some of these friends are people I haven't talked to in years, and others are close friends that I feel are drifting away. Both types of relationships make me feel slightly empty inside because I guess I believe I failed the friendship and the person in some way. When I think back to a few of my best friendships, I can't truly understand what went so fatally wrong and why. I know that I dwell on the negative in this case too much, and people are always telling me "Some frienships are bound to slip away after a while" or "That's only natural"...but to me, it's never natural. I guess that I just feel if I maintain the effort and really care about someone, that the friendship should never fail. Once I'm attached to someone, I find it incomprehensible to let them go without a fight...but it has happened to me on more than one occasion.

During Christmas, I want to see everyone I care about. As you know from my last entry, I love presents and thoughtful (material) things, but mostly I love talking, gatherings, drinking wine, laughing. I am currently sitting in my living room and I am having this vivid daydream where ALL of my friends and family are sitting in this huge circle on my hardwood floor (I know my living room would never comfortably hold all those people but that's why this is a dream), and we are all talking, laughing, and sitting so closely to one another that one person's red fleece blends into another person's blue wool sweater in a cohesive yet fuzzy purple blur. I want to hug people, to tell them I love them, to make them understand how much they mean to me. As I'm writing this, tears are literally springing to my eyes and I don't know why.

I am making a firm resolve to take care of the friendships that mean so much to me during the New Year. I seem to recall that one of my New Year's resolutions last year was to "not care so much" because I was constantly getting hurt...but you end up feeling lonely either way. And I'd rather be lonely with friends than without.