I hate dust. I am sitting here attempting to write and to concentrate on stringing words together, when all I can see is a sheen of dust on the hardwood floor beneath my couch. It's driving me crazy even though I just vacuumed and dusted yesterday. I am that type of person. The type who takes care of homework first as opposed to going outside to play on the swings first. The type who mows the lawn before going out to lunch with friends. Of course I will definitely swing on the swings and meet my friends for lunch, but only after I have completed the necessary tasks; all in due time. I hate having chores or responsibilities hanging over my head when I am supposed to be enjoying myself. So here it is, Sunday evening, and all I want is to relax and sit and write, while the sensible side of me feels like I should march downstairs, grab the vacuum cleaner again and go to town on the dust bunnies, wreaking havoc on their little dust bunny village. But I won't.

This weekend has been rewardingly long despite the fact that I slept in until 9:30 and 10:00 both days (that is unprecedented for me). We didn't have a lot going on so I spent the majority of yesterday afternoon and this morning propped up on my couch (with the dust bunny village below) reading a very interesting story called The Thirteenth Tale. I call it a story rather than a novel or a book because it certainly was written by a storyteller. I loved the twists and turns surrounding the twins, and I really became enraptured while reading. It's not often (especially lately) that a book has been capable of consuming me, and I thoroughly loved the feeling...of escape. And honestly, in my life there's not a whole lot to escape from. But every once in a while, it's comforting to live someone else's pain, to embrace someone else's emotion, even if that "someone else" is merely a fictional character.

Occasionally life gets too real. This past month or so it seemed as if I was constantly grappling with various thoughts regarding certain friendships/relationships in my life. I am confident in my communication skills to a degree, but when my words have the ability to instill hurt in someone, I often hold back. I guess you can say I've been kind of a lazy friend lately...giving advice when sought after, but otherwise remaining objective and stoic to a degree. For some reason I just don't have the energy most days to truly delve into everyone's situation. But this tiredness makes me feel that I am missing out on real conversations, that I am taking the easy way out by sidestepping confrontations and concern.

Overall I know it's just the fast-paced busy season at work that has been affecting my motivation in the evenings...and I know that it will pass once I have been immersed in the environment for a few months. I've been feeling drained lately--a good drained, but drained nevertheless--in many ways. I have to push myself to run or go to the gym after work, and while I have been trying to focus on eating healthy options, there's been a slight setback with various obstacles at work: Panera bagels "for a job well done," a Chili's lunch tomorrow for Cinco de Mayo, a farewell party for a colleague, etc. I still love corporate America and I'm trying to figure it all out, but in some ways it offers as many temptations as America itself. When I'm working hard to meet a deadline and to mail 2-3 cases in a week, and the head of National Accounts says "Hey, have a bagel for all your hard work", it's not always easy to pass up.

I am trying to keep the Tara I know and love in check. I want to be healthy, motivated, hard-working, successful, and a good friend all at the same time. I guess I'm just trying to balance each compartment and integrate them the best that I can. I know that sometimes one piece of the puzzle is bound to slip out of place for a passing moment, but as long as I am aware that I'm not complete without all of the pieces together, I guess that's one step in the right direction. It's my focus during these next couple of months to put 100% into everything that I do. I don't want to let anyone down, the least of all myself.