I love rainy days and taking walks with close friends (Holly) and the Yale Co-op bookstore and Kate Spade organizers ($75.00) and pencil cases ($45.00) and adorable (cliche) magnets that read "Be the change you want to see in the world" and "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." I love cute tan J.Crew jackets with ruffles that cost $198 for no apparent reason, and I love expensive medium chai lattes that cost $3.89 when a hazelnut coffee is merely $0.90. In this economy, it's difficult to find money to spend on groceries or on a haircut (I am probably at least 2 weeks overdue on that front), never mind for indulgences such as the ones listed above. I don't need Vera Bradley thank you cards to adequately thank my loved ones, I don't need to buy every book that I read (what? the library?) and yet I do. Lately, Jeff and I have been working together to find ways to cut costs and save more since this economy is negatively affecting our usual budget. September is our trial month--we are doing our best to be frugal and go out as infrequently as possible, and to date we have been fairly successful. We're not Ralph Waldo Emersons by any stretch of the imagination, but we realize that to live and still feel productive in today's world, we have to take it down a level. So if that means we can't always go out during the week when friends ask, or if we just order one martini instead of four :), it's nothing personal. It's just business.

Conversations with the best 9-year-old ever

I've known Megan since she was 2 years old; her parents moved into the house across from my parents' when I was up at UConn. She and her younger sisters, Caity and Norah, are like my little sisters. Megan has always been incredibly smart for her age...she talks to people as if she herself were an adult, and she even has the ability to absorb information and vocabulary like you wouldn't believe. Just recently she figured out how to instant message me through her dad's email address on MSN Messenger. See for yourself what an amazing kid she is:

Tara says: are you excited about turning 10? I remember I was scared to enter the double digits.

Megan says: not really I feel a little sad

Tara says: yeah I think I felt nostalgic, too...like my childhood is going away. boooo

Megan says: mine too, faster than you think

Tara says: exactly. but you'll have a lot of fun these next 10 years..and 5th grade was one of my favorite times in childhood, too.

Megan says: really mine was 3rd

Tara says: oh yeah? what was your favorite part of 3rd grade?

Megan says: my teacher, Mr.Senich

….... a few minutes later.......

Tara says: well I can let you go watch TV if you want

Megan says: no no its my turn to go on the computer

Tara says: okay, I just don't want you to get bored of me

Megan says: are you kidding i never get board of you

Tara says: aww thanks!

Megan says: :)

...............

Tara says: hey have you read any good books lately? I'm always interested in hearing about them to see if I read them when I was your age.

Megan says: yes im reading the sisterhood

Tara says: yay! really? maybe I can take you to see the 2nd movie

Tara says: have you seen the first one?

Megan says: no

Tara says: well I have it on DVD, I can bring it home next time I'm at my parents' house

Megan says: please

Tara says: definitely, we can watch it together, make some popcorn and everything

Megan says: maybe we could have a movie night

Tara says: exactly!

Megan says: :)

Moments later...

Megan says: im having a party friday

Tara says: is that the pool party?

Megan says: yes

Tara says: how many kids are going?

Megan says: and instead of presents i want 8 kids to write checks to my friend Alyssa

Tara says: is she sick?

Megan says: she has cancer

Tara says: oh how terrible--when did she find out?

Megan says: ya but it is treatable, she found out this May

Tara says: oh thank goodness it's treatable...how scary, though

Megan says: ya, she lost all her hair from the treatments

Tara says: aww, does she have a wig?

Megan says: yes, but she does not wear it in the summer

Tara says: too uncomfortable and hot

Megan says: she went to camp for kids with cancer

Tara says: have kids been nice to her since she found out she has cancer?

Tara says: did she go to the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp?

Megan says: yes, they recently had a ziti dinner for her at the Firehouse

Tara says: did your family go?

Megan says: no, we made a donation

Tara says: well it all certainly counts

Tara says: I just volunteered at a camp for kids with cancer; I'm just wondering if it's the same one Alyssa went to.

Megan says: oh really, I am not sure what camp she went to

Tara says: yeah that is a famous one, and it's in Connecticut...it might be the one.

Megan says: she went to a sleep away camp

Tara says: Well I hope she gets well, and that your friends are able to contribute a lot of checks to you on Friday that you can give to her.

Tara says: yep, it was a sleepaway camp

Megan says: I'll ask her when she gets home

Tara says: we put together the bunk beds in the cabins for the kids

Tara says: definitely do that and ask her about the camp--it's an awesome place.

Megan says: I will. I have to go now. I need to create my invitations so mom can mail in the morning. Good night! We will plan on the movie night

Tara says: okay sounds great...have a good night! I will talk to you soon

Megan says: bye

Note: You can't tell me she's not amazing. I talked to her mom tonight on the phone to ask if it was okay to have a "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" movie night with her for her 10th birthday, and her mom told me that it really was Megan's idea to donate all of her "birthday presents" to Alyssa. I love her!!!

Holy crap. I don't think I could possibly feel much worse. Too much sangria. Wine. Peaches. Apples. Lemons. Limes. Roxette. Boyz II Men. Don Henley. I am sad now, and exhausted. I just tried to call Jeff but he's at the Radiohead concert. I am sitting here completely, well, inebriated for lack of a better word. I want to go home but the problem is that I AM home!! I am not driving anywhere so it should be okay but noooooooo. I want Jeffrey. Oh I want him to take care of me noooowwww. So pathetic. Ahhhh "Ray of Light" by Madonna. Appropriate. But still not making me feel any better. Want pajamas. And other comfy things. Like blankets. And someone to brush my teeth for me. And oh wow just want to go to sleep. Stupid Tara. Too mucccch sangria. Too much wine. I want Kara to call me so I know she is safe. What the hell. I just re-read this and don't remember writing any of it even though I just thought of it 5 minutes ago. Madonna is "appropriate"? Did I say that? I want dinner. I told Rachel I wanted Chinese food. She replied with "LOL." I didn't think it was that funny. What the hell am I going to eat, really? And my face is sunburned. Ohhhhh. Want to sleep night night. Crying from Aerosmith is on.

Nice. P.S. Kara just texted me. She's home safely. Yay. Pass out now for sure.

Sometimes I don't find my daily life to be all that exciting which would explain the lack of posts recently. It's like, hmmmm...wake up, feed the cat, brush my teeth, shower, get dressed, say goodbye to Jeff, listen to Coldplay on the way to work, get coffee, arrive at work, say hi to Steve, Mark, and Melissa (cubemates), talk about the cat (still a new subject), respond to RFPs, harass Diana on IM, ask Nate questions about our programs, go to crazy busy cafeteria for lunch, respond to RFPs, drive home, feed the cat, say hi to Jeff, go on elliptical, shower (again), read, watch TV, go to bed, repeat.

Occasionally I'll have a meaningful conversation during the week but most of my day consists of witty banter and lots of eye rolling (me). It's fun but not truly worth writing about. Although...in my book club, we just finished reading "Bitter is the New Black" which is basically a memoir about this girl's life during her two year period of unemployment. I told the other girls that I would love to be published someday, but that my journals throughout the years were written about mundane subjects (similar to the tone of this blog).

How do you take a 7th grade break-up and make it resonate with your audience? Do you have to embellish certain details or even fabricate parts of your "memoir" to capture the reader's imagination? When I write about my life, it seems false to me to add intrigue that wasn't originally there...for example, my parents have a happy marriage. Jeff and I never broke up in the eight years that we've been together. I went through the same teen drama and crappy parent/teacher conference conversations as the next person, but does that truly provide valid material for publication? Well, it's my life so I would love to think that it does, but when it comes down to it, despite all my own quirks and experiences, I am merely living a similar existence to many other women out there.

I really don't know why I have always had this desire for people to read about my life. It makes no sense to me because in general, I'm not big on being the center of attention. In fact, I hate when everyone is staring at me or giving me compliments (really, my face turns the color salmon, as someone described it just yesterday). When I read my old journal entries, I see a bright, observant girl--somewhat of a dork in the earlier years, but I guess my favorite part is that reading the journals allows me to follow this "character" through life as she experiences things for the first time. Even though I am the "character", I am far removed from her because she is not truly who I am anymore (if that makes sense).

I've mentioned before that what is real fascinates me...people's thoughts, what drives them, what makes them crazy...and as we all know, my obsession with all things real occasionally gets me into trouble. And anyway I'm not quite sure where I'm going with all of this, but I have to keep writing or I'll lose the ability altogether. I used to be better at it. My pen used to fly furiously across the blank pages, and I miss that feeling of release that used to come from pouring my heart out in my journal. That could be the other reason I want people to read it; I know it's supposed to be for you, but I put so much time and energy (literally years) into writing it that it seems pitiful to just throw it all away.

I don't know. It's a constant debate, and not one that's going to be settled tonight.

I am feeling better this week-thank you all for your comments, emails, and advice. Yesterday morning I was shopping at the Colonial Market downtown (which is directly across from the beach), and I realized how happy I was just to be running errands. I walked slowly through the aisle, glancing at the gourmet ravioli; fresh bruschetta; and artichoke hearts, olives, and mozzarella lined up neatly in the Greek/Italian station. This may sound silly...but I actually felt kind of classy. There's something about that New Englandy feeling--sunglasses on top of my head, cute red flats and a fairly put-together outfit wandering around inside an oceanside market--that made me feel like I have truly come to embrace my life. Remember back in October when I was writing about how I longed for new material things such as a snazzy car or professional wardrobe (in addition to an exciting new career, of course)? Well, now I have all of that. And this may sound even more Connecticut snobbish, but my next stop yesterday morning was through the drive-thru at Starbucks...how cliche is that? I felt like if I only had a cardigan tied around my shoulders, then I could seriously pass for a Nantucket stepford wife or something. However, just as certain people think corporate America is evil or overrated (and I am still very much in the habit of romanticizing the entire experience), I think that the snobbish New England image is okay, as long as you yourself are not a snob. I've decided that it's possible to look the part and yet still be a very down-to-earth and friendly person.

As many of you already know by now, we've also added a kitten to our "family"--a 9-week-old calico that we affectionately named Nutmeg. I am thrilled to have a cat to come home to after a long day, and it makes daily life even that much more interesting and fun. I guess the only aspect of our lives that is missing is children, and that day will come soon enough, I'm sure. But for now I am just going to enjoy being a New England snob in evil corporate America, because I am the happiest I've been in years. Life is great.

Here we go again...

The following is a post that I wrote for a message board where I am anonymous to most people. However, I decided that although I appreciate their input, I also want to know what the people I know in real life actually think about this situation (so please excuse the fact that I'm talking to you like I don't know you...I am too tired to make the language more 'familiar'):

I am a pretty sensitive/nostalgic person, I'll be the first to admit it. I didn't have the best job for the past couple of years, but I started an amazing position in January and have been so grateful and enthusiastic to be there that some people probably think I'm crazy.

That being said, I completed an 8-week training program with 13 colleagues, and I even became teary when the training was over and we had to move upstairs to our actual floor and positions. Silly, I know!

Today one of the trainers, and one of my favorite guys on the team, announced that he was leaving, and since he is going to a competitor, he had to basically pack up his things and go immediately. I will admit that I had tears streaming down my face. I had gotten to know him well during our training, and we had the same sarcastic/dry sense of humor. Some of the sales directors on the floor saw me and looked at me like I was a freak. One of my friends there said it's just because I have a big heart, and when I called Jeff he said, "Awww, you probably cried, didn't you?"

I'm not sure if it shows weakness to become upset in a professional position, but I find it hard to detach myself from good, intelligent, and witty people that you interact with on a daily basis. Am I wrong?

Today I ran the Susan G. Komen 5K Race for the Cure at Bushnell Park (shout out to Jeff, Renee, Diana, Emily, Steph and Peter. Good job, guys!) and while my time wasn't spectacular, I am proud to say that I completed the race and definitely finished the final stretch with an enthusiastic burst of energy.

I would have been more prepared, but Diana and I kind of neglected training weeks ago once busy season kicked in at work. I found myself lacking energy at the end of the day, and it was too easy to blow off the gym when we both complained of our complete tiredness. However, I am putting this in writing because I WANT to be more proactive about training and exercising, and I am usually more successful at doing so if I commit to it in writing. I have been fighting a battle with 5-7 extra pounds since the holidays and I need to have some sort of breakthrough before I literally go insane. All the gymming it and diligence I exhibit as I plan my every meal just hasn't been paying off lately (and by lately I mean since January) and I am definitely at the verge of frustration which is not a fun place to be. I've been there before and don't ever want to go back.

In other news, I couldn't be happier with my progress at work. The position itself is stimulating and interesting, but the environment is miles away from any other work environment I've encountered. For example, on Friday alone, we unveiled June's IC Wall (Information Consultant) and the theme was Hollywood. There are photoshopped renditions of the entire IC team and the 2 managers (about 30 people altogether) in various versions of Lord of the Rings, Shrek, Harry Potter, Star Wars, and Titanic. The accompanying quiz asks us to match the National Accounts employee to their celebrity lookalike (someone once told me I looked like Michelle Williams from her "Dawson's Creek" days...I don't think anyone is going to guess that one correctly!)

For lunch, I actually ventured off campus to the diner with Diana, Glen, Peter and Brian which was nice because it had been a long week. (side note: I am freaking out right now because some guy is literally shouting on the street in our quiet neighborhood, and while I would have expected that at our old apartment, it is a bit jarring here). Anyway, this week I also proposed an Artie Lange Cupcake Day...Artie Lange is on the Stern show for the non-Stern fan members of my audience :) and Crumbs Bakery in Manhattan has named a cupcake after him that he buys all the time. So I heard Jason in my row singing a Bababooey song (another Stern reference) and I IMed him my cupcake idea...he thought it was awesome so I sent around an Outlook email with voting buttons (woo-hoo, high tech!) to all the known Stern fans in the department, and I am ordering enough cupcakes for 8 people for this upcoming Thursday, June 12th. The Official Artie Lange Cupcake Day.

Oh, and since we work at an insurance company that supports Wellness initiatives, our department had scheduled a kickball tournament DURING WORK HOURS last Wednesday from 2:30-4:30. I, of course, chose not to participate (I could still hear jeers and taunts from 6th grade gym class and "Tara, you got us all out!" and "Ohhhhhh!!!" every time I would kick the ball, someone would catch it and the entire team would be out). Even my gym teacher hated me...no joke! But it's still pretty cool to have the opportunity to play.

I just love how FUN most of the people in the department are, and how driven the majority of them are. The environment is a perfect balance for me. I accomplish so much on a daily basis and have really learned a lot about the process, but there's always something interesting around the corner. I have a great (very patient) mentor, and so far I've developed a good rapport with my manager. Really, on the work front, things could not be better. What a complete difference from a year ago. The other difference is the validation...I cannot tell you how many supportive comments/praise/feedback I have received since starting at Aetna in January. The trainers were thorough in their evaluations, colleagues that I have worked on RFPs with have written me emails saying "you're the best" or "Thanks so much for your help on this case", and it literally blows me away. To come from an environment where I put in 110% every day and was never rewarded in any kind of way (be it words, money, recognition, etc.), this aspect of my job hasn't ceased to amaze me for a moment. I think that some people take it for granted, but I will never, and I think that it gives me a positive perspective that some people don't have there.

Okay, well I've gone on and on about various topics. Thanks for listening, as usual. Our pizza is here and it's time to watch "Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King." Happy Saturday night, everyone!