Sometimes I wonder if my uncle is okay.  People who know me well know that I am a firm believer in life after death and the paranormal.  For the past eight months I have been looking for a sign that he is around, that he has seen Ashlyn, that he is at peace. Late at night when I am in her room comforting her or rocking her back to sleep, I'll occasionally hear a noise behind me and wonder if he's watching over us.  The rational part of my brain knows that it's not him, but my heart longs for a sense of comfort or closure that, due to the nature of his death, I know I will probably never find. The fact that he missed meeting my daughter by two weeks continues to haunt me.  I will always wonder if she could have sparked something in him...some interest?  Life?  I don't know. I mean I guess I am putting too much on one person because it was beyond one person's control. He didn't stay here for his wife (the love of his life for almost 30 years).  He didn't stay here for his two sisters.  He didn't stay here for his career even though he had worked there loyally (and with many of the same people) for almost his entire life.  Everyone misses him.  I can still easily hear his voice in my head...he would almost always start the conversation with "Your mother told me ___________" since he and Mom talked often.  I can hear that, and I can hear the conversation we had over the phone the day before he died.  It was my birthday.  I teased him because he had spent $13 Fed Exing my card to me to make sure it arrived on Saturday (my birthday was on a Sunday).  I had no idea that there was a good reason he was Fed Exing that card...if it arrived on Monday evening, he knew he would already be gone.  He wanted to make sure I had it before I heard the news.

I could cry just writing this, but honestly there are days when the tears won't come.  After eight months, some of the initial shock has worn off but the "why why WHY" will never go away.  I hate that I will never have a satisfactory answer.  I can read all the books in the world on the topic but not one will tell me what my uncle was thinking or why he chose to do what he did.  All I know is that I, like everyone else, wish there was something I could have done to have prevented it.  I wish Ashlyn's arrival could have sustained him for a little while longer, I wish her new life could have reminded him of how amazing this world can be, I wish we could go back in time to our home videos where Uncle Billy's biggest concern was making sure his wiffle ball pitch went over the plate so that Ryan could hit a homerun.  I just hope that he is better off, wherever he is, since he felt like he couldn't be here anymore.