Thursday, January 1, 2015

I don't generally do New Year's resolutions, but there are a few things I would like to focus on in 2015. First, I want to write more, so I am starting with this blog post. To me, writing comes naturally and is very therapeutic but I rarely have enough time to create what I would consider quality writing. I need to make the time. In fact, making the time to do things is going to play an essential role in completing all of my goals this year. Last year I constantly felt pulled in a thousand different directions between my career, taking care of Ash and Liam, being a supportive wife and friend, staying healthy (eating well and running) and staying on top of things organizationally (like getting the kids signed up for various activities without missing deadlines, which rarely happened). I felt like my life was out of balance. While I put a lot of effort into everything I did, I had such high expectations of myself that I constantly felt like I was missing the mark which, in turn, made me more stressed. My body and mind were exhausted and I couldn't keep my eyes open past 9:00 at night. I even went to the doctor to see if the Lyme disease from the previous summer could still possibly be in my system but she said it was all just due to stress...no physical issues were present. I think sorting through my thoughts with writing on a regular basis will help me immensely.

And of course everyone always says they want to lose weight/go to the gym at the start of the new year. Not to jump on that bandwagon, but count me in. For all of 2015, not just the month of January. Feeling good about myself physically and mentally is incredibly important to me and currently I can't remember the last time I had the "time" (there it is again) to go running. It might have been back in October. The obstacles I've encountered in getting to the gym are legitimate; I am not merely making excuses because I don't want to go. There's school drop-off/pick-up on the days I work at home and I leave the house at 6 a.m. on the days I work in Hartford. The only chance I have to spend time with Ashlyn and Liam during the week is dinner, bath and bedtime so I certainly don't want to leave them for an hour to go and work out. By the time Ash is in bed at 8, the last thing I have energy for is running. I need to figure out how to schedule gym time during my work day again, and possibly one weekend day. That should be manageable and I will feel a lot better about myself. I have about eight pounds I'd like to lose but I'm not in a huge rush...all progress is welcome.

I would also like to work on being more present. Everyone knows that I love social media...reading news and articles on Twitter, keeping up with my friends, posting photos (and yes, selfies!), etc. But several of the articles and blogs I've read recently talk about living in the moment, putting down the phone and focusing on who you're with and what they're saying. For the most part, I am not rude about this. I don't keep my phone open during dinner or when I'm out, but I'll admit that occasionally I'll scroll through my news feed when the kids are watching a movie and I won't always catch a question or comment that they pose to me. I don't want to be like that. I want them to remember me as always there for them, playing on the floor, laughing whole-heartedly and truly listening to everything they have to say. I am trying to decide if this means I should also post less on social but I haven't fully figured this out yet. People make fun of me--well, tease I guess is a more appropriate word--for how much I choose to share, that I am "always" on Facebook and that I post too much. I think that this is all subjective. I get that my posts don't resonate with everyone but I love the connection that I feel with people by sharing and interacting with the material, so it will be an interesting experiment to try and keep my phone/computer at an arm's length.

If I'm being completely honest, I suppose my love of social media is tied to my desire to feel appreciated and to have my efforts validated. How those "likes", "favorites" and "retweets" prove that my thoughts are worthwhile, that people understand and *get* me. I have always been this way to an extent. I want people to like me (obviously) and career-wise, I want people to note that I put 110% into a project or that my efforts resulted in a successful outcome. When/if this doesn't happen, I take it too personally and allow myself to get completely wrapped up in thoughts of disappointment and...you guessed it...more stress. I have to work on this as well. I am not a perfectionist by any means, but I take what I do seriously in every aspect of my life and sometimes I have to recognize that it's okay to be a little less serious.

So obviously I have some work to do during the next twelve months. I want to practice patience and continue to exhibit compassion. I want to be present and engaged. I want to continue to work hard but to remember that balance is even more important. I will get to the gym more. I will drink less wine (this is mainly due to my caloric intake!) I think this will be easier to manage once I feel more balanced and less stressed. I truly believe that writing will help with all of this. So I plan on blogging more and really analyzing my thoughts and feelings to become a better person. Stay tuned.