FINALLY. I got my arse back to the gym. Ultimately I think I just became tired of my own incessant whining. My bouts of "I'm tooooo tired" and "I don't understand whyyyy I'm not losing weight" (insert Artie Lange WAAAAHHHHH here), compiled with my scary, angst-filled fits of rage (envision clothes flying around the room, landing in heaps at my feet after being yanked off in distress) became too much for me to handle. I broke down (but this time in the right way) and hauled myself to the gym at work for the first time in over a year. I prayed to the gym gods that I would be able to successfully complete a mile without keeling over...and I was able to run TWO. My dad always says that you just have to do something a few times in order for it to become part of your routine, and he's right. (my dentist also said the same thing to me yesterday about flossing, but that's another story). So I've been waking up at 5 a.m. in order to get to the gym by 6 which has been awesome. I feel accomplished and productive by the time I sit down at my desk around 7:30 which is something I haven't felt in forever. I just have to keep this up. All right, enough with the personal cheerleading.

In other news, I have decided that I really should learn how to cook. I mean I have owned a crockpot for three years and you know how many times I have used it? Not once! I am the most undomesticated person I know. Wait, is undomesticated even a word? Do I mean undomestic? For some reason I keep thinking of cats as domesticated. But my point is, the kitchen scares me. I am completely out of place among recipe books, pots, pans and well, when it comes down to it, uncooked/raw meat. Nothing makes me more grossed out than when I'm handling a slimy, rubbery chicken breast. You want me to do WHAT with this? I know, I know...I am totally lame. So my (late) New Year's resolution is to look up and begin saving crockpot recipes to try out. I want to try the recipes out secretly, though, so that if I fail, no one will ever have to know.

Which is a good segue into why I have never attempted wailing at Guitar Hero. I am horribly afraid of sucking at something in front of people--even if they're my friends. For whatever reason, I have yet to make it past the emotional scars of middle school. I can still remember being called out for my various deficits, from my poofy hair to my utterly unremarkable athletic skills. I was chosen last in gym class almost every time. All right so this went from a personal cheerleading session to a woe-is-me post, but I'm not really upset about any of it. I am just matter-of-factly attempting to learn about myself and why I am the way I am. Sometimes I think I have come so far and other times I feel just as shy as I did back in kindergarten. I see people with real confidence and a true ability to believe in themselves, and I wonder why I can't feel that way all the time. Why do I still feel insecure when I am honestly putting so much effort into every aspect of my life? Sometimes I stumble on my words when I'm talking because I'm trying to quickly get out what I have to say...just in case the person on the other end doesn't want to hear it (as if I am not that important!) What is that about? That's something I've been focusing on recently; I'd like to change that behavior as well.

Well my eyes are pretty heavy which is funny because it's only 8:24, but I still have to watch Lost and find out who got voted off of American Idol before bed...it's a big night. So thanks for reading/listening. I will hopefully be posting more frequently because my intermittent blogging is driving me crazy. I love to write...so I am going to write. Alleluia.