Currently playing: Chanticleer's version of Ave Maria, the same version we performed my sophomore year in Chorus at Masuk High School.

During my freshman year at Masuk, I was completely blown away by my Chorus teacher, Mr. Gangi. He had such a presence; a way of speaking to us as if we were already adults living in the real world and not merely "trapped" within the constraints of our high school walls. He was also an extraordinarily talented conductor, had a beautiful tenor voice himself and taught us a lot about life, mindfulness and leadership through breathing techniques and other exercises (including a trust walk around the school grounds).

One day we entered the auditorium (all 150 of us) and he told us to find a place on the ground anywhere--in the aisles, between the seats, on the stage, etc.--and then he turned out all of the lights. Lying down, eyes on the ceiling, he told us to close our eyes and imagine that we were on a beach, lying on warm sand. You could have heard a pin drop. He walked around the room softly, occasionally speaking, "Imagine you are sinking into the sand. You can feel the warmth of it surrounding you. You hear the water lapping gently at the shore." This went on for about ten minutes until we were all there mentally, and then he said, "Now...let's sing Kyrie eleison." And from our positions on the floor, completely flat on our backs, we began to sing the most poignant version of Kyrie eleison I have heard to this day.

There are times when I wish I could go back and recapture those moments. Thankfully, even then I realized how lucky I was. I never took those five hours a week for granted. I made lasting friendships there...so many...and learned so much about who I am and who I would eventually become. I was exposed to a variety of amazing composers and works: from Rachmaninoff to Mendelssohn and Carmina Burana to Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring." While life may have felt stressful during the day for any given reason, Chorus was the place where I felt like I could honestly let go and give everything I had.

I can vividly see myself sitting on the stage in my overalls and Doc Martens learning a new piece...playing Tori Amos on Gangi's piano in the Chorus Room during study hall...figuring out the pitch pipe when I became Section leader of the Alto 1A's...and hammering my neighbor's back and participating in several vocal warm-ups at the beginning of each class. At the time, I remember feeling that life was so complicated (my journal entries are so dramatic, I barely know how I made it through each day) but obviously I had never experienced anything truly significant or traumatic at that point. I would give anything to relive just one day with that seemingly carefree and truly present attitude.

I'm sure there's a way to incorporate pieces of this mindfulness back into my life. It definitely helps to write about the memory and listen to the concerts that my parents recorded, but what I am really trying to get at is that feeling of peace...of sinking into warm sand, of focusing on breathing instead of stress and worry. I have actually come a long way in the past month--I've started refocusing on my own needs including running, re-joining Weight Watchers, and trying to take moments to reflect and think and write (or even read for pleasure) whenever possible. I feel like there's a way to incorporate music into this as well, whether it's joining a choir or fitting it in someplace else. More thoughts to come.

Patience. Lately I haven't had much of it. With myself, with my kids,with random people on the road, with virtually anything. I've been more aggravated, more stressed, more...rushed. And I am truly tired of feeling this way. It's exhausting. I want to be more in control of my day-to-day life. I want to be organized, relaxed, healthy and happy. And I am pieces of those things at any given time, but my ideal self is only realized when these traits all coexist.

A lot of it comes down to time. Well, time, organization and prioritization, but they're all related. I really, *really* need to get better at prioritizing. I try and take on too much in every aspect of my life. And when I take something on, I never put in minimal effort; I am generally all in. I respond to people quickly, I say yes too often, I most likely over-extend myself even before I realize what I'm doing. And then comes the paralysis. When I have so many projects/tasks/chores/plans/fill in the blank, etc., that I literally sit there, paralyzed, trying to figure out what to handle first. And then I continue to sit there staring blankly, attempting to organize my thoughts and write lists, sometimes to no avail, because it's too overwhelming. And that wastes a considerable amount of valuable time...time that I desperately need to be productive and successful.

And yet, somehow I am relatively successful. I do get things done, and I get them done well. But there has to be a way to be successful without feeling constantly tense or on edge. For me personally, running helps relieve some of that tension because I have time to clear my head, listen to music and do something beneficial for myself (the healthy trait above). BUT again, many times I find that I can't/don't make the time for running even though I truly believe it helps me focus and refocus. Why is that? Why do we find time for certain things and not others? Why are there always certain elements of our life that slide when we're feeling stressed or unbalanced? I want to take the time to figure this out because I truly think it will help my daily mindset moving forward.

I was talking to a colleague this week and she told me she recently started taking ten minutes out of her day to just lie down and breathe. I'll be the first to admit that I have never practiced meditation or taken a yoga class, but this sounds like a worthwhile use of time. But first I need to learn how to clear my head because I think entirely too much. About everything. I overthink. I analyze. I beat myself up over minor setbacks, both physical and mental. So in those ten minutes, I need to learn NOT to think of all the emails I could respond to in that time, of the laundry that needs to be folded or the kids' lunches that need to be made. I literally need to schedule time in my day, even if it's just ten minutes, to relax, to refocus. Because right now I don't feel like I'm reaching my full potential since it always feels like something has to give. I feel like I'm trying to hold onto and handle so many juggling parts that it's nearly impossible. I also realize that I am my own harshest critic, so there's that, but if I feel this strongly about all of this, there has to be an underlying issue that I can proactively learn how to fix.

This fall, I plan on being present, being mindful, being focused. I want to feel more like I am living each moment as opposed to rushing through it to get to the next place/reach the next deadline/check the box. If anyone has any tips or wants to share their thoughts, I am more than open to them. Thank you for listening.

Watching: the flickering light of my fireplace. Listening: to Bon Iver. Trying to reclaim that carefree feeling of non-routine life that can only come from time and distance away. Away from 5 a.m. wake- ups, the 10-hour work day, and just generally 7,600 miles away from home.

I recently returned from a trip to India. I didn't expect to, but I feel like I experienced an entire lifetime in those ten days. There were many firsts: a memorable visit to the Taj Mahal, receiving henna (already rapidly fading away), attending three days of Indian wedding ceremonies, dancing in a bharat, witnessing poor children from the slums jump in and out of traffic begging for food, driving through seven lanes of traffic with no real rhyme or reason...just horns blasting, cows, pigs, rickshaws and pedestrians entering the mix and somehow everyone just knowing their place.

A beautiful sunrise on the train ride to Agra...the blazing sun making its hazy orange mark on the horizon, shedding light on the pretty landscape that's occasionally marred by mountains of garbage. People staring listlessly as the train rushes by, seemingly lost in their own thoughts. Using the train tracks as makeshift bathrooms because they have no other choice. It's hard to ignore the abject poverty, but at the same time, there are so many layers of life in the country. People are everywhere. Carrying piles of wood on bicycles, getting a shave on the street corner, standing or running behind fresh fruit carts, congregating in front of shopping malls and open markets.

We took quite a few taxi rides during our visit. Each time I grabbed the video camera because watching the bustle of life unfold around you when you have the time and focus is amazing. There have been few occasions when I've been as immersed in a culture. Usually I have a thousand responsibilities and don't allow myself to take it all in, but this trip was different. I let myself experience everything as it happened. Mopeds scooting by with Indian women in saris riding side-saddle...boys playing a quick game of cricket in a dirt field...stray dogs roaming up and down the sidewalks and in the middle of the streets...

Music also played an integral role on this trip. The drum beats; the ethereal Indian tones carrying over a Delhi thunderstorm as heard from my dark hotel room; the sassy, pop Bollywood songs played at the Sangeet (that all of the young, beautiful Indian girls and guys knew the lyrics and moves to); the haunting religious chants piped through the air over the gardens across from the Taj.

And of course I wouldn't have even made the journey if it weren't for my family. I was there for my brother-in-law's wedding so there were many evenings full of conversation, wine, beer and traditional Indian food. Things I am thankful for: the comfortable feeling of the high-rise overlooking the city, the invaluable time I was able to spend with my two-year-old nephew, the thoughtful gifts I received: one pink, blue and gold dress that my brother's mother-in-law picked out for me that made me feel beautiful.

I'm not sure why the trip left such a lasting impression on me other than the fact that it was so rich and full of all of the above: color, music, vitality, love, family and dynamic experiences. I truly feel changed for the better after visiting India, like it left an impression on me and has slightly changed my perspective and perception of life here. I found it to be eye-opening and raw but parts of it were also muted, soft and beautiful. I love the fact that I was able to take it all in with an open mind and just BE for once, instead of going, going, going. In writing this, I almost felt transported back to that state of mind which feels good. I need to get to that place more often, and I think this trip has helped me learn how to meditate, how to truly exist and see what's around me. And for that, I am grateful.

I don't generally do New Year's resolutions, but there are a few things I would like to focus on in 2015. First, I want to write more, so I am starting with this blog post. To me, writing comes naturally and is very therapeutic but I rarely have enough time to create what I would consider quality writing. I need to make the time. In fact, making the time to do things is going to play an essential role in completing all of my goals this year. Last year I constantly felt pulled in a thousand different directions between my career, taking care of Ash and Liam, being a supportive wife and friend, staying healthy (eating well and running) and staying on top of things organizationally (like getting the kids signed up for various activities without missing deadlines, which rarely happened). I felt like my life was out of balance. While I put a lot of effort into everything I did, I had such high expectations of myself that I constantly felt like I was missing the mark which, in turn, made me more stressed. My body and mind were exhausted and I couldn't keep my eyes open past 9:00 at night. I even went to the doctor to see if the Lyme disease from the previous summer could still possibly be in my system but she said it was all just due to stress...no physical issues were present. I think sorting through my thoughts with writing on a regular basis will help me immensely.

And of course everyone always says they want to lose weight/go to the gym at the start of the new year. Not to jump on that bandwagon, but count me in. For all of 2015, not just the month of January. Feeling good about myself physically and mentally is incredibly important to me and currently I can't remember the last time I had the "time" (there it is again) to go running. It might have been back in October. The obstacles I've encountered in getting to the gym are legitimate; I am not merely making excuses because I don't want to go. There's school drop-off/pick-up on the days I work at home and I leave the house at 6 a.m. on the days I work in Hartford. The only chance I have to spend time with Ashlyn and Liam during the week is dinner, bath and bedtime so I certainly don't want to leave them for an hour to go and work out. By the time Ash is in bed at 8, the last thing I have energy for is running. I need to figure out how to schedule gym time during my work day again, and possibly one weekend day. That should be manageable and I will feel a lot better about myself. I have about eight pounds I'd like to lose but I'm not in a huge rush...all progress is welcome.

I would also like to work on being more present. Everyone knows that I love social media...reading news and articles on Twitter, keeping up with my friends, posting photos (and yes, selfies!), etc. But several of the articles and blogs I've read recently talk about living in the moment, putting down the phone and focusing on who you're with and what they're saying. For the most part, I am not rude about this. I don't keep my phone open during dinner or when I'm out, but I'll admit that occasionally I'll scroll through my news feed when the kids are watching a movie and I won't always catch a question or comment that they pose to me. I don't want to be like that. I want them to remember me as always there for them, playing on the floor, laughing whole-heartedly and truly listening to everything they have to say. I am trying to decide if this means I should also post less on social but I haven't fully figured this out yet. People make fun of me--well, tease I guess is a more appropriate word--for how much I choose to share, that I am "always" on Facebook and that I post too much. I think that this is all subjective. I get that my posts don't resonate with everyone but I love the connection that I feel with people by sharing and interacting with the material, so it will be an interesting experiment to try and keep my phone/computer at an arm's length.

If I'm being completely honest, I suppose my love of social media is tied to my desire to feel appreciated and to have my efforts validated. How those "likes", "favorites" and "retweets" prove that my thoughts are worthwhile, that people understand and *get* me. I have always been this way to an extent. I want people to like me (obviously) and career-wise, I want people to note that I put 110% into a project or that my efforts resulted in a successful outcome. When/if this doesn't happen, I take it too personally and allow myself to get completely wrapped up in thoughts of disappointment and...you guessed it...more stress. I have to work on this as well. I am not a perfectionist by any means, but I take what I do seriously in every aspect of my life and sometimes I have to recognize that it's okay to be a little less serious.

So obviously I have some work to do during the next twelve months. I want to practice patience and continue to exhibit compassion. I want to be present and engaged. I want to continue to work hard but to remember that balance is even more important. I will get to the gym more. I will drink less wine (this is mainly due to my caloric intake!) I think this will be easier to manage once I feel more balanced and less stressed. I truly believe that writing will help with all of this. So I plan on blogging more and really analyzing my thoughts and feelings to become a better person. Stay tuned.