I honestly love Connecticut.  I may be biased since I've lived here all my life and therefore find it comfortable, cozy, familiar and home...but even objectively speaking, I think it's beautiful.  Today I wandered up to "The Quiet Corner" (which I lovingly referred to as "The Boring Corner" during my UConn Storrs days) to check out Roseland Cottage in Woodstock with Laurie.  I discovered Roseland Cottage's existence online last month while researching various historical New England sights. 

It was cloudy and cool this morning, and on the drive north I noticed that several of the trees had already begun their seasonal change; their leaves glowed red and orange against the gray skyline.  While the Pomfret/Putnam/Woodstock area of Connecticut might not be the most exciting area of the state, I enjoyed the ride because the winding roads, antique shops, apple orchards, and distinguished-looking schools were all new to me, and I liked the feeling of exploration and discovery in my home state.

While the Roseland Cottage tour was fairly interesting, it wasn't my favorite part of the day.  Afterwards, Laurie and I wandered outside to the beautiful garden in front of the house, and we played with a few Colonial toys on the grounds (it happened to be Civil War Reenactment Day).  We checked out the oldest standing bowling alley in the world (part of the cottage, believe it or not), and listened to some Civil War era music on the lawn.  Then we headed up the road to the Vanilla Bean Cafe (a favorite place of  hers, and a long-time memory of mine: the last time I visited was at the end of my freshmen year in 1998). 

We enjoyed our lunch and good conversation, and then headed on to Mrs. Bridges Pantry for tea and scones.   http://www.mrsbridgespantry.com/  Looooved this!  What an unexpected find in adorable Woodstock.  Mrs. Bridges is basically a British Tea Shop, and they also sell my favorite foods from London including Walkers shortbread and Dairy Milk chocolate bars.  We ordered a pot of tea to share (Yorkshire Gold, to be exact) and two blueberry scones (well, one each).  It was the most delicious scone I've ever had in my life.  And just to be sitting there with the tea cozy in front of me, the little silver container of sugar cubes, and lots of old people (hahaha) made me feel all warm inside.  Okay, I know that sounds lame, but seriously, it's how I felt.  I was happy to be having such a fun, cozy, and interesting experience just an hour away from my house even though I felt far-removed from reality for a bit.  Does that make sense?

On the way home, we stopped at an eclectic gift shop called Celebrations where they had quite the selection from hand-crafted wine classes and artwork to inspirational journals, soaps and jewelery.  I wanted to start my Christmas shopping but was almost too overwhelmed.  I retraced my steps a few times before leaving empty-handed.  But I have a feeling I'll be back...

I loved today because it was low-key but it was time well-spent.  I learned a few new things, I enjoyed each small experience for what it was worth, and I feel like I uncovered some well-hidden secrets in my own back yard.  Looking forward to the next adventure.

Sometimes I wonder if my uncle is okay.  People who know me well know that I am a firm believer in life after death and the paranormal.  For the past eight months I have been looking for a sign that he is around, that he has seen Ashlyn, that he is at peace. Late at night when I am in her room comforting her or rocking her back to sleep, I'll occasionally hear a noise behind me and wonder if he's watching over us.  The rational part of my brain knows that it's not him, but my heart longs for a sense of comfort or closure that, due to the nature of his death, I know I will probably never find. The fact that he missed meeting my daughter by two weeks continues to haunt me.  I will always wonder if she could have sparked something in him...some interest?  Life?  I don't know. I mean I guess I am putting too much on one person because it was beyond one person's control. He didn't stay here for his wife (the love of his life for almost 30 years).  He didn't stay here for his two sisters.  He didn't stay here for his career even though he had worked there loyally (and with many of the same people) for almost his entire life.  Everyone misses him.  I can still easily hear his voice in my head...he would almost always start the conversation with "Your mother told me ___________" since he and Mom talked often.  I can hear that, and I can hear the conversation we had over the phone the day before he died.  It was my birthday.  I teased him because he had spent $13 Fed Exing my card to me to make sure it arrived on Saturday (my birthday was on a Sunday).  I had no idea that there was a good reason he was Fed Exing that card...if it arrived on Monday evening, he knew he would already be gone.  He wanted to make sure I had it before I heard the news.

I could cry just writing this, but honestly there are days when the tears won't come.  After eight months, some of the initial shock has worn off but the "why why WHY" will never go away.  I hate that I will never have a satisfactory answer.  I can read all the books in the world on the topic but not one will tell me what my uncle was thinking or why he chose to do what he did.  All I know is that I, like everyone else, wish there was something I could have done to have prevented it.  I wish Ashlyn's arrival could have sustained him for a little while longer, I wish her new life could have reminded him of how amazing this world can be, I wish we could go back in time to our home videos where Uncle Billy's biggest concern was making sure his wiffle ball pitch went over the plate so that Ryan could hit a homerun.  I just hope that he is better off, wherever he is, since he felt like he couldn't be here anymore.