My fitness kick was going amazingly well (sans the whole treadmill incident) until Jeff and I discovered that our first child will be arriving in January. Now, I didn't abruptly drop the gym routine in order to embrace the whole "eating for two and who cares how much weight I gain" mentality; rather, the gym kind of dropped me. I will be 12 weeks along tomorrow and while I can't say I've been throwing up like a champ (that only happened once, thankfully), I have been enduring what I can only describe to the average non-pregnant person as a constant 4 week hangover: the lightheadedness, nausea, extreme fatigue, wanting-to-sink-into-the-couch-and-never-leave-it feeling that rarely lets up. I had always heard that pregnant women have the tendency to feel "tired" but that word doesn't even begin to describe the exhaustion and the effort it takes to literally grow another person. While I go from day to day and it seems like I'm not physically doing ANYthing, I end the day with the sense that I just completed a triathalon. I haven't felt like myself in weeks--I have no energy, and sometimes it takes everything I have in me just to drive to work, sit there all day, and drive home. Then at home I make dinner, watch TV or read for maybe 3 hours and fall asleep. A riveting life!! (which makes me wonder--why the hell am I so tired?!)

But enough whining...I just had to bring you all into the world I've been experiencing since May 9th (the day before Mother's Day, how appropriate) when I found out that next year at that same time, I would be a mom myself. Jeff and I are beyond excited (when I have the energy to muster up the excitement) and luckily since we've been together for 9 years, we have been discussing name choices for at least a few years now and have condensed the list into a short one we both finally approve of. There were many names we did not agree on (for example, Jeff kept bringing up the name "Miles" as a "cool middle name" and all I could think of was good old Miles Standish so I told him to "Keep on thinking." I know there were plenty of names that I threw out there that caused him to throw me a look of equal distaste, but of course I can't remember which ones they were because obviously I felt they were perfect.)

We are definitely going to find out what we're having, most likely by mid to late August, and that will be another extremely fun time. For the record, I believe we're having a boy since nearly all my friends (except Heather) have had boys in the past two years. Jeff says he keeps picturing a blonde-haired, brown-eyed girl in his head, so we'll see. Maybe we'll make a bet and the winner will have to take the loser out for lunch on the day of the ultrasound. No matter what, we will be happy with the outcome. We're planning on having two kids, and would love one of each, but whatever happens is most likely what's right for us, and we know that.

Today I woke up for the first time with a little more energy, so I'm thinking I'm turning the corner on the whole morning sickness business. I am going to make it my goal to get outside and walk more (if this rain will ever let up!!) and also to really strive to eat well...I have to say I've given into a few cravings already including Tostitos queso dip (no nutritional value whatsoever), pizza, a vanilla milkshake, and chicken tikka masala (mmmm love Indian food!)...and the only real aversions I've experienced so far are coffee which I never crave anymore (amazing) and sometimes veggie burgers and Fiber One bars. Totally weird, I know.

So my first ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday and I am really looking forward to seeing the baby for the first time (to me, seeing is believing) because I need to connect all of these symptoms to something tangible. While it is real in a sense to me now, I know that everything will fall into place once I can see and understand what's truly going on inside of me. I'm sure I'll have an update once I experience that, so stay tuned.

Well my fitness routine was going well until I took a major digger on the treadmill Wednesday morning (that expression dates back to my semester in London when I fell down on some cobblestone road in Salisbury--one of my roommates said, "Whoa, Tara, you just took a major digger!" I thought that was hilarious). Anyway, I have been hobbling around for three days now because my knee is banged up and I have a bruise the size of a personal pan pizza on my other leg. It's partially my fault but honestly, this gym employee kind of yelled out and went racing across the room to the weight section, so I thought someone was hurt or had dropped a weight on themselves or something. I craned my head to the left for maybe 8 seconds and the next thing I knew I was on my knees at the end of the treadmill with the belt still going (speed: 6.0) and for the life of me I couldn't get up quickly enough so scrape, scrape, scrape went my knee. And the worst part was, not one person came over to help. They all kind of gasped and continued to work out and then (helpfully) told me that I was bleeding. Um, yeah, I know.

Overall, it's frustrating because I have been really proud of myself for getting back into running and for actually doing a decent job of it...I just don't want to lose a lot of time between now and summer. I was hoping to get back to the gym by Monday but we'll see how it goes because right now it even hurts to walk. On the bright side, I am currently enjoying a lazy Saturday to myself--guilt-free because I really can't do much even if I wanted to. My plan for the day includes reading more Columbine, watching TV, playing the piano, looking through old photos and eventually getting ready to go to The Playwright later...which will involve actually getting dressed in something other than sweatpants and a hoodie.

In other news:

1. I've decided that I really want Sirius for my car. I've been Howard Stern-less for far too long, and I only catch bits and pieces of the show when they replay it on the weekends now. Also, "The Pulse" plays every single song I have ever loved; it's like my very own personal Tara station.

2. I cannot believe it's May already. Where the hell has the time gone? I feel like it was February yesterday. I also feel like last year was yesterday. And I am going to be 30 in 7 months which is CRAAAAZY to me. I do not feel like my age, which might explain why I am carded for R-rated movies. Also, because I look like I'm 17 apparently.

3. Work has been going really well lately. Over a year in the department, and I can still say that I am happy and feel validated by so many people there. It's amazing what a difference a job environment can make.

I think that's about all for now, only because I want to go relax. :)

FINALLY. I got my arse back to the gym. Ultimately I think I just became tired of my own incessant whining. My bouts of "I'm tooooo tired" and "I don't understand whyyyy I'm not losing weight" (insert Artie Lange WAAAAHHHHH here), compiled with my scary, angst-filled fits of rage (envision clothes flying around the room, landing in heaps at my feet after being yanked off in distress) became too much for me to handle. I broke down (but this time in the right way) and hauled myself to the gym at work for the first time in over a year. I prayed to the gym gods that I would be able to successfully complete a mile without keeling over...and I was able to run TWO. My dad always says that you just have to do something a few times in order for it to become part of your routine, and he's right. (my dentist also said the same thing to me yesterday about flossing, but that's another story). So I've been waking up at 5 a.m. in order to get to the gym by 6 which has been awesome. I feel accomplished and productive by the time I sit down at my desk around 7:30 which is something I haven't felt in forever. I just have to keep this up. All right, enough with the personal cheerleading.

In other news, I have decided that I really should learn how to cook. I mean I have owned a crockpot for three years and you know how many times I have used it? Not once! I am the most undomesticated person I know. Wait, is undomesticated even a word? Do I mean undomestic? For some reason I keep thinking of cats as domesticated. But my point is, the kitchen scares me. I am completely out of place among recipe books, pots, pans and well, when it comes down to it, uncooked/raw meat. Nothing makes me more grossed out than when I'm handling a slimy, rubbery chicken breast. You want me to do WHAT with this? I know, I know...I am totally lame. So my (late) New Year's resolution is to look up and begin saving crockpot recipes to try out. I want to try the recipes out secretly, though, so that if I fail, no one will ever have to know.

Which is a good segue into why I have never attempted wailing at Guitar Hero. I am horribly afraid of sucking at something in front of people--even if they're my friends. For whatever reason, I have yet to make it past the emotional scars of middle school. I can still remember being called out for my various deficits, from my poofy hair to my utterly unremarkable athletic skills. I was chosen last in gym class almost every time. All right so this went from a personal cheerleading session to a woe-is-me post, but I'm not really upset about any of it. I am just matter-of-factly attempting to learn about myself and why I am the way I am. Sometimes I think I have come so far and other times I feel just as shy as I did back in kindergarten. I see people with real confidence and a true ability to believe in themselves, and I wonder why I can't feel that way all the time. Why do I still feel insecure when I am honestly putting so much effort into every aspect of my life? Sometimes I stumble on my words when I'm talking because I'm trying to quickly get out what I have to say...just in case the person on the other end doesn't want to hear it (as if I am not that important!) What is that about? That's something I've been focusing on recently; I'd like to change that behavior as well.

Well my eyes are pretty heavy which is funny because it's only 8:24, but I still have to watch Lost and find out who got voted off of American Idol before bed...it's a big night. So thanks for reading/listening. I will hopefully be posting more frequently because my intermittent blogging is driving me crazy. I love to write...so I am going to write. Alleluia.

I've never been a fan of Sundays, dating back to my elementary school days. I think my mom worked 3-11 most Sundays so it was usually me, my dad, my grandpa, and my brother hanging out at our house on Sunday afternoon. Now don't get me wrong, I loved them all as a 6-year-old, but I think I felt slightly outnumbered in the girls camp. I wandered around the house while Dad and Grandpa drank their beer and watched football (that was mainly for my Grandpa, as I know my dad could care less about any sports) and Ryan played video games. I didn't always know what to do with myself. (for some reason, a Road Runner coloring book keeps flashing through my mind in addition to a dreary, gray day pressing itself into the large bay window over my dad's head). I'm sure I read or played My Little Pony and took care of whatever homework I had from second grade...but those afternoons tended to drag on, and I knew that Monday morning and school were right around the corner.

I occasionally still feel like this, although as an adult I now realize that all time is precious, and I shouldn't spend 52 days a year wishing the day away. It helps that I really like my job now because Monday mornings aren't as painful as they used to be. When Jeff and I lived in New London, I spent more than half of every Sunday whining and feeling sorry for myself that it was back to another week, back to the same old routine.

But I have always loved rainy Sundays. They are to be enjoyed by everyone...cozy inside and no need to even get dressed or make a plan for the day. No real motivation to accomplish anything of substance, just movies, TV, good books, warm comfort food, (I think I just heard thunder, yay!), and blankets. Today my parents are coming over for Jeff's amazing pasta fagioli and some red wine. I miss them and don't get to see them nearly as much as I'd like to, considering they're only an hour and 15 minutes away. I know I can count on good conversation, great food, fun stories and another memorable rainy Sunday.

I miss Ange. It's not often that I have the opportunity to hang out with my girls. Ohhhhh I had too many martinis but who cares?! She is great. We played "Singstar" which is basically just a glorified karaoke game. We blasted songs from the 80s and 90s like they were going out of style, we drank martinis, we had wine, we ate pasta, we talked and we laughed. I am sad now because they left at 12:30 and now it's 1:00 a.m. and I wish they could have stayed. I'm sure this is going to sound ridiculous but I wish I had girls that LIVED in my TOWN. Not in Vermont or Manchester or New York. But heeeeeeereeeee. It's 1:08 and I want Angela here. I want to blare into a microphone with her, to butt bump her while singing...uummmm well I can't remember what exactly we were singing. Geez. We sang some Nickelback and some STP and yeah I really don't remember much else. But it was awesome. Night night.

25 Random Things

1. I love to write but I don't do it nearly as often as I should. I kept a personal journal on and off from 4th grade through college, and it amazes me that I had such dedication (or maybe it was merely teenage angst) and passion back then for writing pages and pages in a single entry. Now when I get home from work I usually just want to read, watch TV, check CNN.com, and go on facebook. Luckily my career enables me to write on a daily basis which does make me feel a little better about not writing for myself.

2. I am not very graceful. Never have been, never will be. I am constantly tripping, falling, ramming into things, getting bruised, dropping objects on the floor, etc. I don't know what it is but I have spent my entire life crashing and burning. Falling down entire flights of stairs, breaking my wrist rollerskating, falling off my bike, breaking my ankle (twice), and constantly watching things slide from my grip (my deodorant, my hairbrush, tupperware--you name it, it's on the ground).

3. I work really hard to maintain my weight. I've lost 30 pounds on Weight Watchers since joining nearly 3 years ago and every day is somewhat of a struggle. I eat healthfully for the most part but I find it hard when I see skinnier people consuming however many calories a day and staying the same weight when I have one bad day and notice every single ounce gained. I try to keep a positive self image but after battling a negative one for so many years, it can be difficult at times.

4. Jeff and I met in Chorus at UConn. He was sitting in the Tenor section and I was an Alto, and he was always laughing and being friendly to everyone around him. I could tell right away that he was truly a genuine person (and the cute floppy brown hair and shining brown eyes didn't hurt, either). I developed a crush at 17 when I was a freshman (he was a sophomore) and soon found out that he was still with his high school sweetheart of three years. So we became friends and I waited my turn...we finally started going out my junior year. He was well worth the wait.

5. My favorite city in the world is London. I spent the fall semester of my senior year of college there and I have been there a total of 4 times. It feels like home to me. I love Oxford Circus and Trafalgar Square, Covent Garden, Piccadilly Circus, and Leicester Square. And Jeff proposed to me on Tower Bridge on September 12, 2005.

6. I love clothes from JCrew, Ann Taylor Loft and Banana. If money wasn't an object, I would seriously buy new clothes every week. I'm not shallow or vain, but I just like the way I feel when I'm wearing a certain pair of cute pants or a nice sweater. I have been told that I am "preppy" which I suppose is accurate...I might describe myself as "classic." I love cords and sweaters and cardigans, jeans and flats and button down shirts. I don't wear a lot of t-shirts/sweatshirts/sneakers out unless I'm exercising or going for a walk.

7. My favorite author is Jodi Picoult. She writes vividly and realistically, and while I don't love all her books equally (a few favorites include "My Sister's Keeper," "The Pact," and "Salem Falls"), I find that she tends to write in a voice that I can relate to. I had the opportunity to meet her at a book signing once and unfortunately I was so nervous I could barely even pay her the compliment that was inside my head. She ended up telling me she liked my coat.

8. Speaking of famous encounters, I suppose I should tell one of the stories that has become one of my claims to fame. When I worked at the Goodspeed Opera House, I met Julie Andrews who was there directing "The Boy Friend." You would think I would tell her how much I enjoyed "The Sound of Music" when I was growing up (loved it!) but oh, no...I was making platters of cheese and crackers for the Opening Night party and since I am clumsy (see random thing #2), I was having an issue cutting the cheese in perfect little squares, so I had a plate of misshapen cheese pieces to the side. Anyway, Big Jules comes in from rehearsal and exclaims "I'm starving!" so I run over with my plate of misshapen cheese pieces and say "Would you like some rejected cheese pieces?!" to which she replied "Rejected cheese pieces would be lovely. Let me just go get some bread." No joke.

9. My parents have one of the best relationships I have ever known. They are each other's best friend, they still have date night every Friday and honestly enjoy being with each other. I think they were an excellent example for my own relationship with Jeff.

10. We have a cat named Nutmeg. I love cats!! Throughout the course of my life, my family has had many cats: Natasha, O.J., Buckwheat, Frisky, Cupcake, Fievel, Tuxedo, and Oreo.

11. I have my Teaching Certification and am certified to teach K-6 in Connecticut, however, I know that teaching isn't where I am meant to be. I had applied to 54 teaching jobs in 2004 and couldn't land a single interview despite being in the national educational honor society...so I ended up at Goodspeed for 3 and a 1/2 years and now I am working as a Strategic Proposal Writer at Aetna. I like my job because it involves strategy, editing, writing, and every case is different and dynamic. OH, and the people in our department are young, driven, and smart. And great.

12. I only have 2 wisdom teeth and to date I haven't had to have them removed. However, I have been feeling a dull pain where my right one is and am wondering if it will be time soon (they told me it would be time years ago).

13. One of the hardest things I've ever had to go through was when Jeff's dad died in 2003. We knew for a year that it was coming, but we didn't know when. I was 23 when he was diagnosed with cancer and honestly had no idea how to deal with my boyfriend/best friend's father dying. I know it was obviously way harder on Jeff, but it was one of the first times I felt like my listening skills and love were just not enough.

14. I love rollercoasters, water slides, and almost any other amusement park ride...but I HATE the bumper cars. This all stems from one incident when I was probably 10 or 11, and I couldn't get my car to face the right way...so I was driving the wrong way and getting hit by EVERYONE while simultaneously being yelled at by the ride operator when everyone was staring at me. I was a crying mess by the time I exited the ride (never did get my car to face the right way!!) and I have never been back on the bumper cars since.

15. I am incredibly nostalgic, sometimes to a fault. I love looking at old photos, home videos, yearbooks, discussing memories with my family and friends, watching chorus concerts and even sometimes (don't laugh) reading an old Baby-sitters Club or Sweet Valley Twins book. There's just something about that safe and innocent piece of your childhood that will always feel like home to me.

16. I hate when people tailgate me on the highway, but I also hate it when the car in front of me is going 20 miles an hour when the speed limit is 45. I am usually sandwiched between the two (someone on my ass and someone in front of me that is never going to get where they're going). Ask Jeff. I am a bad driver magnet.

17. My brother and I used to use his glow-in-the-dark Construx to create outerspace in his bedroom. We would spread out the Construx all over his floor (strategically, of course) and then turn off the lights and pretend we were above The Milky Way somewhere.

18. I love theatre. I wish I could see more shows...but over the years I have seen "Les Mis", "Phantom", "Rent", "Mamma Mia", "Wicked", "Fiddler on the Roof", "Doubt," "A Streetcar Named Desire," "The Glass Menagerie," "The Lion King," etc. and countless Goodspeed shows.

19. I value my husband, family, and friends over anything else in my life. I really would do anything for the people who are close to me. And I love listening and giving advice (when asked for it).

20. I once made up a song about Lunchables to the tune of "Silver Bells" on our family trip out West in 1995 (somewhere between Utah and Arizona). Lunchables...lunchables...oh how my brother loves to EAT them! Ham and cheese, turkey breast...this is what my bro loves beeeesst. Crackers and cheese, two kinds of each, it just melts in his mouth....while his sister looks on in...pure envy. (You get the point).

21. I love listening to music and singing. I like a wide array of music from alternative (Fleet Foxes, Kate Nash, Band of Horses) to high school favs (Tori Amos, Indigo Girls, Dave Matthews Band) to 80s (any of it) and 90s (grunge--Pearl Jam, STP, Candlebox)...also musicals, old favs like Simon and Garfunkel, etc.

22. I am currently craving Birthday Cake Remix from Coldstone. Yum.

23. I believe in ghosts. My dad had a personal experience and I love all paranormal shows (especially "Ghost Hunters") but I have never experienced anything myself.

24. I am mostly Irish. (75%) and then a little Polish and French (Canadian).

25. I love the Howard Stern show. And Artie Lange cupcakes.

Happy 2009!

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Became a strategic proposal writer, welcomed my brother's new fiancee to the family, adopted my cat, drove to Boston, bought an Altima, visited Charlotte, NC, started a book club, initiated Artie Lange Cupcake Day, made it through layoffs, assisted with Open Enrollment in D.C., attended a Lia Sophia party.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't really do resolutions. I try to be the best person I can be every day, although it definitely shows more on certain days. I would like to get back on the Weight Watchers track, though. I've been kind of a slacker.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Scott and Kem just welcomed their baby boy on December 11th.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What countries did you visit? The U.S. (namely North Carolina, Vermont, D.C., Massachusetts, Maryland, and Virginia).

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? I will let you know :).

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 14th...my snowy 1st day at Aetna. That day really determined how the rest of my year would turn out. I feel like it was fairly successful.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Proving myself in my position at work and developing a career for myself.

9. What was your biggest failure? Falling off the Weight Watchers wagon.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing worth writing about.

11. What was the best thing you bought? We were pretty frugal this year. I didn't buy my cat, but I would say that her vet bills are well worth the happiness she has brought us.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? The behavior of U.S. voters! (agreed, Sarah--can't really beat that one).

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I don't want to go into it on a public blog.

14. Where did most of your money go? mortgage, car payment, taxes, groceries, gas (over the summer). Ugh I am a grown-up!!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Besides the new job I was really excited about visiting with the girls in Vermont. It was a wonderful weekend getaway.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? "Foundations" by Kate Nash.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? same ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter, I guess, but not by much, and post-holiday season, I will change that. iii. richer or poorer? richer, although with the economy I feel poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Exercise

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Eating unhealthy food, caring too much what people think about me.

20. How did you spend Christmas? At my parents' house celebrating my brother's engagement.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? Have been in love for 9 years.

22. How many one-night stands? None.

23. What was your favorite TV program? Grey's, Lost, Ghost Hunters, The Biggest Loser

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Hate is way too strong a word. I don't actually hate anyone.

25. What was the best book you read? "The Kite Runner" and "Memoirs of a Geisha"

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Fleet Foxes, Kate Nash, A Fine Frenzy

27. What did you want and get? a new car!

28. What did you want and not get? nothing, I really have everything I want at the moment.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? I didn't see many movies, but the most anticipated would have to have been Sex and the City.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 29. Jeff and I went out for breakfast, then spent all day Christmas shopping in Mistick Village...then went to Starbucks for caramel apple spices, and then to the Daniel Packer Inne for a romantic dinner by the fireplace in the pub downstairs. Oh, and we had homemade fudge from the general store.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Being able to save more money. It has been hard.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? someone described me as preppy. Not sure about that...but classic, I guess.

33. What kept you sane? Who said I'm sane?

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I don't fancy celebrities. Boring, I know.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? The election and the economy.

36. Who did you miss? Heather, Corrine, Jess, and I did miss my brother but just saw him.

37. Who was the best new person you met? quite a few from the new job...

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: That is extremely hard to do and I am not feeling all that creative this afternoon. Sorry!