In 7th grade, I would occasionally take a blank notebook out into the woods with me after school. I would situate myself Indian-style on the trunk of an enormous dead tree, prop my back up against its living counterpart, and think that nothing could be more romantic: a girl, alone with her thoughts, exploring the daily trials and tribulations of life. Today, I felt like that girl again. Not in a romantic sense, but more due to her innocence and vulnerability. She was sensitive. Always so sensitive.

Tonight I took a walk after work by myself, down to the beach in my jeans, clogs, and Jeff's hoodie. It smelled like October, and smells always transport me to another time and place. All of a sudden I was eight, playing in the brook behind Amy and Chris's house...then I was fourteen, riding my bike around the neighborhood streets at our new house. Then Ashlyn gave me a decent kick in my side which brought me back to the present. In two and a half months, I am going to be a mom. And I have been through all of the mood swings lately to prove it: from excitement and anticipation, to nervousness and crying fits. I honestly feel like I can't control my emotions right now. Unfortunately they come flying out of me no matter who I'm with or what I'm talking about. I believe this is unnerving to some people who either have never experienced pregnancy or haven't experienced it in a long time. They ask me questions and expect a certain reaction, and if I don't provide the appropriate amount of enthusiasm, they assume that I'm not happy, or that I am preoccupied, or they merely sigh in exasperation at my lack of response. That is exasperating to ME because I am an honest person by nature (some prefer to call it blunt or realistic) and I don't do well forcing fake excitement or enthusiasm if I simply cannot muster either feeling at that particular moment.

It's amazing, the amount of advice you receive when you're pregnant...from so many various avenues. And everyone has the best intentions, but after months and months of hearing what foods to eat, and how to maintain a certain level of exercise, and "maybe you should try this" and "maybe you shouldn't have done that," it really makes me want to scream. Loudly. At the top of my lungs, even. I am seriously trying to take care of myself in addition to this little girl who's growing inside of me, and I know that I am making all of the right decisions when it comes to her health and well-being. I just wish that other people would realize that and back off sometimes. I am not twelve anymore. I have learned so much in the nearly thirty years that I've been here, but somehow I still end up feeling like that vulnerable girl. Not because of what I think of myself, but because of what others think of me. I just wish I didn't take everything to heart. It really does get to be exhausting when I'm already having enough trouble sleeping at night.

She's a girl!

Well, the technician said she was 95-99% sure she was a girl, but that it was our decision on whether or not we wanted to paint the room pink. ;) I think they have to say that to cover their bases, or cover their ____. Jeff and I are beyond ecstatic. We can finally call our daughter by her name when we talk to her or about her (except it's still going to be a secret to everyone else!) Everything about her is growing perfectly...she's an adorable 11 oz. and we saw everything from the bottoms of her little feet to her two kidneys, her wonderful heart, her spinal cord, her arms, legs, and brain. It was amazing. Towards the end of the ultrasound (about 25 minutes altogether), the technician just calmly says, "Oh. It's a girl." I couldn't believe it! I was so sure that SHE was a HE, but I was wrong. There is something to be said for father's intuition...

When we left, Jeff and I headed over to Babies R Us and started looking at cribs, changing tables, and bedding. Then we set out to buy her one outfit each and ended up with at least five (including one from our cat, Nutmeg, because we couldn't resist.) We are already so in love and can't wait for her to arrive.

Anticipation

My friend Angela always says that she likes Fridays better than Saturdays due to the anticipation of the weekend...because the waiting/anxiety/excitement leading up to the weekend is occasionally more rewarding than the weekend itself. Jeff and I have been looking forward to tomorrow (more specifically, to the date August 19th at 1:50 p.m.) for months now, and here we are, 20 hours out, and I am wondering if I will feel slightly deflated after I *know* for sure whether I'm having a boy or girl. I don't think I will, because this is such a big discovery, but then again, the guessing games and dreams and intrigue have certainly served their purpose as well.

I will say that I am excited to move onto the second phase of this pregnancy: creating a nursery theme (yay!) and researching the items we want on our registry. Now when I go into Babies R' Us, I can actually direct myself to gender-specific items and fall in love with the idea of having a little boy or little girl all over again.

Definitely stay tuned. I will be sure to post the news tomorrow. Pray that the baby cooperates!!!

I am beginning to get a little stressed. Forgive me that all I ever write about lately is my pregnancy, but there are so many elements to be taken care of before the little one even arrives that I feel completely overwhelmed sometimes. Like, in a panic, break down into tears "what are we going to do" overwhelmed. For example, take what happened this morning. Jeff merely *mentioned* the idea of us keeping my desk in the nursery when the baby arrives because we don't really have any room for it anywhere else, and I completely lost it..."what a stupid idea, I can't work at home with the baby in the nursery, I don't want the baby to have to share his/her room with me!!!" (imagine all this being screeched out, my face becoming hotter and redder as the ridiculousness of the idea continued to infuriate me). There's no reason for me to go off at him like that for merely making a suggestion. No sane reason, anyway. But prior to that incident this morning, I had spent about an hour researching childcare for my unborn child (a child who might be a daughter or might be a son; we don't even know yet, but since childcare is so sought after in this day and age, there are possible waiting lists, a worse possibility of the center having no room, and all of this must be determined nearly a year in advance, before I'm even ready to imagine myself dropping my baby off at daycare.)

And childcare is not inexpensive. It's another piece of the adulthood budget that we have yet to figure out...how are we going to get there and how can we ensure we're making the right decision? Added to the stress is the fact that my face is breaking out like a 14-year-old's and the fact that I still feel unattractive in addition to weird about my growing, still-not-quite-popped-out belly, my constant absentmindedness (when I'm used to having such an excellent memory) and all the other daily stresses that come with work, friends, relationships, etc. Sometimes my head feels like it might explode (certain days from excitement, others from sheer panic). And what I want right now is a relaxing glass of wine and I can't even have that. Grrrrrr.

I forgot to mention that I think it's a boy...for whatever reason, no idea if I'm even close to right or why I believe it is a boy. But today I came home from work, and as I was rolling the garbage can across the expanse of lawn to place it back behind the shed, I thought of all the possible future baseball (wiffleball) games that would take place there, and how I would come out and offer my 6-year-old and his friends lemonade and he would say, "Thanks, Mom" and it truly brought a smile to my face.

Hmm. I just realized that I started this post right as Gilmore Girls was coming on. That was stupid of me. And Lorelai and Rory are opening a box of incredibly delicious looking cheese pizza and that act is sending waves of "you must go get pizza NOW" thoughts to my brain even though I'm PRETTY sure that all of the cravings I've had so far this pregnancy have merely been excuses to eat whatever the hell I feel like eating at the moment, as opposed to actual, honest-to-goodness food intake needs.

I hit 17 weeks yesterday and I am desperately wondering if the baby is a girl or boy. Jeff and I have been calling the poor little thing "it" for lack of the appropriate gender word, and that is seriously getting old. My baby is not an "it." He or she has a name, and I need to call him or her by that name so that I feel more attached and less like he/she is just a foreign object lodged in my stomach. We find out in 22 days and yes, I am willing to accept bets. ;)

I am still not really showing yet, except I look a little chunkier than usual and my regular pants are beginning to feel tight. I am looking forward to the day when my belly "pops" so that I feel less fat and more pregnant. I know, people think I am ridiculous for even saying that--"Tara, it's not fat--you're PREGnant" but it is hard to believe when you look in the mirror and see the Pillsbury Doughgirl staring back at you, as opposed to one of those adorable pregnant mommies with the pretty basketball bump and not an ounce of fat anywhere else. (Thanks, Heather, for that visual).

This summer flew by, mostly because the weather has been subpar and dismal and my bouts of morning sickness forced me to spend several weekends propped up by couch cushions and sustained by ginger ale and saltines (neither of which did anything to alleviate the nausea). I had a lovely time at girls' weekend in Vermont, and Jeff and I just came back from a relaxing long weekend at the Cape, but other than that, the days have been ticking away in the mundane fashion that they normally would. Which I suppose I should be thankful for since in just five months, we will have a BABY and we definitely have a lot to accomplish before January 4th arrives. Finalizing the name decision (we are set with our boy's name but not completely on our girl's name), choosing a nursery theme, registering for all sorts of baby contraptions that I currently probably don't even realize they exist, taking classes at the hospital, etc.

I know it will be an exciting time, and I am looking forward to every minute of it, but I guess all I'm saying is that to truly feel that this is all happening, I need to a) look the part; and b) find out if my baby is a boy or girl so we can start focusing on their future life with us. I have no idea how some people are able to hold out for 9 months without knowing!!! My friend Kara is due to have her baby in a week, and they decided to be surprised. I give her a lot of credit because I don't have the patience to wait 5 more months. It would be one thing if I grew up in my parents' generation, where finding out really wasn't an option, but this day and age, if instant gratification is available, I'm all for it.

I'll be sure to keep everyone posted with the news.

My fitness kick was going amazingly well (sans the whole treadmill incident) until Jeff and I discovered that our first child will be arriving in January. Now, I didn't abruptly drop the gym routine in order to embrace the whole "eating for two and who cares how much weight I gain" mentality; rather, the gym kind of dropped me. I will be 12 weeks along tomorrow and while I can't say I've been throwing up like a champ (that only happened once, thankfully), I have been enduring what I can only describe to the average non-pregnant person as a constant 4 week hangover: the lightheadedness, nausea, extreme fatigue, wanting-to-sink-into-the-couch-and-never-leave-it feeling that rarely lets up. I had always heard that pregnant women have the tendency to feel "tired" but that word doesn't even begin to describe the exhaustion and the effort it takes to literally grow another person. While I go from day to day and it seems like I'm not physically doing ANYthing, I end the day with the sense that I just completed a triathalon. I haven't felt like myself in weeks--I have no energy, and sometimes it takes everything I have in me just to drive to work, sit there all day, and drive home. Then at home I make dinner, watch TV or read for maybe 3 hours and fall asleep. A riveting life!! (which makes me wonder--why the hell am I so tired?!)

But enough whining...I just had to bring you all into the world I've been experiencing since May 9th (the day before Mother's Day, how appropriate) when I found out that next year at that same time, I would be a mom myself. Jeff and I are beyond excited (when I have the energy to muster up the excitement) and luckily since we've been together for 9 years, we have been discussing name choices for at least a few years now and have condensed the list into a short one we both finally approve of. There were many names we did not agree on (for example, Jeff kept bringing up the name "Miles" as a "cool middle name" and all I could think of was good old Miles Standish so I told him to "Keep on thinking." I know there were plenty of names that I threw out there that caused him to throw me a look of equal distaste, but of course I can't remember which ones they were because obviously I felt they were perfect.)

We are definitely going to find out what we're having, most likely by mid to late August, and that will be another extremely fun time. For the record, I believe we're having a boy since nearly all my friends (except Heather) have had boys in the past two years. Jeff says he keeps picturing a blonde-haired, brown-eyed girl in his head, so we'll see. Maybe we'll make a bet and the winner will have to take the loser out for lunch on the day of the ultrasound. No matter what, we will be happy with the outcome. We're planning on having two kids, and would love one of each, but whatever happens is most likely what's right for us, and we know that.

Today I woke up for the first time with a little more energy, so I'm thinking I'm turning the corner on the whole morning sickness business. I am going to make it my goal to get outside and walk more (if this rain will ever let up!!) and also to really strive to eat well...I have to say I've given into a few cravings already including Tostitos queso dip (no nutritional value whatsoever), pizza, a vanilla milkshake, and chicken tikka masala (mmmm love Indian food!)...and the only real aversions I've experienced so far are coffee which I never crave anymore (amazing) and sometimes veggie burgers and Fiber One bars. Totally weird, I know.

So my first ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday and I am really looking forward to seeing the baby for the first time (to me, seeing is believing) because I need to connect all of these symptoms to something tangible. While it is real in a sense to me now, I know that everything will fall into place once I can see and understand what's truly going on inside of me. I'm sure I'll have an update once I experience that, so stay tuned.